Friday, October 16, 2009

Out of nowhere

It's now been 4 months since we went to Colombia. It sure doesn't seem like 4 months. I think the end of summer months/beginning of fall months go faster than the winter/ beginning of spring ones.

I started back to work 4 weeks ago. It was torture and still is hard. But while I was at home after returning from Colombia and working through my feelings and where my will was in relation to God's, I learned that the only way I'd be able to move through "this" was to actually set aside time to think on what's happened. So now, I've been practicing "turning off school" when I get in the car to go home. It was really difficult at first because the past 6 years I haven't done that. But I MUST do that now. Otherwise the weeked rolls around and I'm left in a very bad state. And that makes the weekend and next week even worse.

The moments of intese debilitating grief are lessening, but they do come out of nowhere. One of the many things we learned about adoption was that many things can trigger grief, anger, or reliving a bad situation. I didn't ever really know exactly what that meant, until now. Now I understand how birthdays, holidays are rough on children. I understand how a small comment no one else even notices triggers unrational rage inside. Going to the grocery store and seeing or hearing a child that sounds like H, S, N or E makes me freeze up and relive whatever memory of the kids I have at that moment.

I do miss them. Sometimes i stop for a minute while washing the dishes and imagine what the house would have sounded like with them there with me.