Saturday, September 11, 2010

Stepping Forward....a little more

Yesterday I had a sick day for a Dr. Appt.

So when I came home, I wondered what I should do. I was looking at my desk and thought I should start there. You see, it's been covered with papers for over a year. It was clean May 2009. But that's because I'd organized all of it to be ready when we returned from Colombia and needed to complete post-placement reports and schedule Dr. visits.

But when we came back, we couldn't bear to unpack. Our suitcases sat in the living room for a month and a half. And then, we never really unpacked; we just pulled what we needed out until all was pretty much out.

Except for the paperwork.

When you devote hours upon hours upon hours to that paperwork and it symbolizes your children, it weighs heavy with value. I could not even bear to look at it. So I stacked it on my desk with averted eyes. Letters that came from Children's Hospital with the kids' names on them were stacked on my desk. A few times I tried to clean it up, but I just couldn't handle it.

Yesterday, I knew it was time. Some of the top papers weren't adoption related at all. That was easy. But then i saw a hospital letter with S's name on it-unopened. I opened it. The words "your child..." stared at me. I put it quickly into the adoption medical file. A few more random papers and then the binder. The binder I'd meticulously organized with all of our copies of the Homestudy, passports, applications, signed documents, receipts, all of it that we'd need to finalize the adoption in Colombia. And it was all still there as I'd put it in. One paper had our signature on it. The one from Bienestar when we took over care of the children.

At that point the sobs hit. The wracking, I can't breathe, immensely painful kind. I put the binder in the file cabinet and continued on. I came across receipts from Carrefor, and the little grocery down the street where I'd carried E (the only time he let me carry him) and actually felt like a "real mom" grocery shopping with 2 of her kids. I'd had to say "no" to H when she saw a princessa paper doll and book. She asked so sweetly, and I desperately wanted to buy it for her, but it was like $12,000 or something, and I couldn't figure out the math to see what it would be in $USD. Not to mention the hell that would break loose back home if one of her brothers got a hold of it and destroyed it.

Then i found the file that had a song H had written down for me for a hand-clap game. We'd been playing it one day, and she tried to say it slowly enough for me to learn it, but without seeing them written I was having trouble. So she labored over writing it down for me. We sat on the wood floor at the top of the steps, me relishing the sweet time with my daughter. I remember thinking how blessed i was to have H as a daughter.

And on I went. I got the desk cleaned off and the papers put away. My heart was very sad. I tried and am trying hard to accept this day, yesterday, that day in June as God's will. At this moment, it's very painful.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Stepping Forward

When you're stuck in the middle of grief, anxiety, confusion, hurt, anger and depression, it's hard to see how God has moved in your life; how he's worked on your character, built up your faith, shaped humility and deepened compassion. But after a while, sometimes a long while, has gone by, you may be able to see some of how God has used you to tell His story.

Last weekend, I experienced being fully present in the moment. I didn't confuse that moment with previous moments. I was able to just be "me". My little nephew was very upset that he couldn't ride home in the tractor with his daddy. He was carried inside and I picked him up to comfort and console him. I held him for 7 minutes or so, and when he was calm, we went to go play in the garden dirt.

It wasn't until 5 hours later that it hit me. I had no negative emotional response when I picked him up and he was angry and crying. No flashbacks of our experiences parenting. Nothing. I had been calm, handled the emotions from my nephew calmly and lovingly with no problem.

That is cause to rejoice! And I did. Not jumping up or down or anything, but I had tears of thankfulness. My Lord has given me the strength to endure this past year and has taken away much of my distress.

Monday, September 6, 2010


Sean's Grandma passed away this past week. She was 94 1/2. I'm so glad I got to know her. She was my Grandma too. When we were first married, we were able to stay with her and Grandpa. She'd make us bacon, eggs in the bacon grease, and hashbrowns. Mmm.

While we were up there, it was the Auburn Car Show. This year, they had the Duesenburg Exhibition of Speed. Duesenburg owners drove their cars in to show them off on a runway. It was so cool to see these cars speed up! Clark Gable's car was there too.

And of course we played with the nephews and niece. But I didn't get pictures of sobrina this time around.