Rejoice With Joy

Thoughts on the pregnancy

2012-01-15T15:21:00.000-05:00

I stopped expecting what pregnancy would be a like a long time ago. Because of that, it's been kinda nice to take things as they come. However, a little expectation of how sick I'd be might have been helpful. I've had pretty bad nausea. My sister kept telling me to ask my Doctor for zofran, but I thought, "Hey, most people throw up this often, right?" Apparently not. After about 4 weeks of that awfulness, zofran at least reduced the frequency. And I've had a cold 3 times and am on my second round of antibiotics. The past 15 weeks have wiped me out. Sometimes it can be frustrating to hear someone say, "It's all for a good cause," or something like that when they're the ones that asked how I'm doing! Ok, vent over I guess.

We find out in 5 weeks the gender. Neither of us as any idea if the baby is a boy or girl, and we don't have a preference. We are just so grateful that God is giving us a child.

I continue to process the grief I have regarding the ninos, and how it runs alongside being pregnant. I still think of them every day and pray for them. I still have most of their things here in the house, and still feel that I can't get rid of them. I've given some things away, but most of it is still as it was, ready for them to come home to. I'll have to do something with H's clothes since that's where the baby's room will be. But I think that is the hardest part for me to tackle emotionally. While there's room in my heart to love her and our baby, moving her things out still seems a little like betrayal. She was so excited about her room...

So that's what I've been pondering lately.

We're having a baby in July

2011-12-17T16:55:00.000-05:00

I truly thought that would be something I'd never be able to say. The past weeks have been filled with wonder, disbelief, excitement and peace.

When we began the adoption, I began to work on my expectations of life. Like lots of little girls, I grew up dreaming of the day I'd get married and have children. When that didn't turn out like I expected, it was rough. The struggle with infertility lasted a while. We made a decision that, unknown to us at the time, would change our lives forever. We decided to build our family through adoption.

When that didn't work out, and our hearts were crushed, full of love for the four children we'd been Mami and Papi to for such a short time, I didn't know if I would survive. Most of the time, I didn't think I would.

It's been 2 1/2 years since that awful day we said goodbye. In these 2 1/2 years, my belief of who God is, who He created me to be, and my role in His kingdom has radically changed.

Grief has changed me.

Being a childless mother has changed me.

Trusting God in the middle of hellish circumstances has changed me.

When we first discovered we were going to have a baby, I was in complete disbelief. "Not me," I'd think, "I don't get pregnant."The reality of Gods great grace and mercy hit me hard. There was no way I deserved this. So many times I'd doubted Him. So many times I'd been unwilling to open my hands and trust Him in the middle of my pain.

And that is the wonder of God's grace. We don't deserve it. And yet He still gives good things to His children. For His glory.

All Glory be to God in the Highest!

Acceptance

2011-12-03T10:41:00.000-05:00

It's strange how a big change in my job could have such an impact on my grief. But it has. Being back at a school with people I love dearly and who care about me, has greatly impacted my grieving. In a good way. I've at numerous interactions with my students that have forced me to confront my fears left over from parenting, and I now wholly believe I can be a good mom. The lies that my brain and the trauma encouraged have been "beat down" through experience.

And of course our church family. Being part of a church family who seeks to integrate suffering into the life of believers has been redeeming. No longer do I sit and feel like my suffering is something I should be "gettting over" because God has something better for me. Now I fully know that this suffering has been part of His Good story. I'm part of His story. Not the other way around.

I'm learning to accept the life that the Lord gives us, and it has been a time of peace.

Sad, Mad, Bad: And me

2011-09-14T18:38:00.000-04:00

First of all, I would like to say exactly what's on my mind. There are no words except these:

Life can be really shitty.

There. I said it.

My students at school live lives that make my soul hurt. They make me hurt for the four ninos. The lives they have and can't control make me so angry. The frustration that wells up inside of me, frustration that the adoption didn't turn out differently; we so wanted it too. With all of our beings. Seeing the response from kids at school that I wanted to see before. Embracing a child after they've been through discipline and are repentant. Feeling the joy of renewal and connection. I wanted that so badly with my children.

I rejoice that my students experience it. Yet I'm torn between the deep longing it brings for the ninos, and the joy I have with my students.

They kingdom come Lord, on earth. In my life, in my classroom, in every interaction I have. Because only You make this worth it.

Grief Ambushes and Kindergarten

2011-08-23T06:11:00.000-04:00

Grief certainly is a companion one can't predict. It springs up in odd places and at seemingly random times. But I can't ever predict which factor will set it off, now over two years later. But the past three weeks have had overflowing grief. I am so thankful we attend a church where this is embraced as part of our humanity.

H turned 13 last Friday. That was really rough; is really rough. E should be starting kindergarten, and I'm teaching kindergarten for the first time. Lots of areas for grief to well up.

In terms of kindergarten, I feel strangely at peace about it. Strange because I assumed I'd be pretty nervous and am not nearly so as much as I thought I'd be. And the peace part is certainly different from what I've experienced in my job before. I don't think I could ever say I was at peace when school started. Which is strange too.

These kindergarteners are going to crack me up. The first one I met announced, "I knew it! I knew you'd be pretty!"

Thanks for making my evening, little one!

Donors Choose

2011-08-04T14:19:00.000-04:00

So I was watching Stephen Colbert the other day, and heard about this Donors Choose website for teachers. Basically, teachers can request needed materials, and other people or businesses can fund it.

So I set it up! Check it out!

California Sunshine!

2011-07-27T08:57:00.001-04:00

Of course, what's a trip without picking up stones?

Any Bachel.*r.ette fans? Does this look familiar? A certain date in Sonoma??

Good Memories

2011-06-20T19:08:00.001-04:00

We just came back from vacation. It was wonderful. Our June memories will now consist of sad ones, but also happy ones. Happy ones borne of nearly two years of working through the grief, pain, sadness, myriads of feelings, and "sorting outs". It was a time to enjoy our life together as the family that the Lord has for us in the present moment.

The past two months or so have brought about healing that is washing over in welcome waves. So very welcome.

No one wants to be stuck in grief. But I've realized that there isn't much one can do to make it heal any faster. It's different for each person, each circumstance. We aren't fixed. We are certainly different people than we were a couple years ago. There will still be grief. I still miss the children and their little smiles. But I have much more peace now. The negative emotions are fading.

Oh how welcome it is.

"Did I really say that?"

2011-04-24T19:23:00.000-04:00

I have been reflecting on my last post, and another one quite a while ago. Both of them make me go, "Did I really say that to the whole wide world?" And my immediate reaction is a flood of shame. The world is now aware of how deep my sin goes.

And upon further reflection, my decision is, that is a good thing.

It is good for me to see how deep my sin goes. Because then I can see my dire need for redemption, for grace, and for God's mercy to be given. I have discovered, that when I try to hide or modify others' perception of me in light of my sinfulness, I don't truly have a deep gratitude for the redemptive work Jesus has done. I do not have humility.

So if any of you reading this thought "Wow, that girl is a selfish whiner, " you're right. I am. The reference to the woman who lost her daughter was referring to someone I've never met (as if that makes it somehow "less" bad...it doesn't". Basically, I was struggling one day with how long our affliction has lasted. I longed to feel community with someone else who's struggled like we have, to see how someone else has handled the grief and stress and shame and guilt. And initially I thought I'd found it. And then when I read about the healing that came from them expecting another child, I kinda lost it.

I was really angry with God for not giving me what I want. The clay telling the potter what to make.

"5 Times" and "I need something good"

2011-04-18T20:38:00.001-04:00

I cried five separate times on Sunday. Not that it's a record for me, by any means. But it's out of the norm lately. Apparently life hasn't gotten the memo that after a traumatic experience and losing one's children, there's supposed to be a healing calm. Oh no. That memo missed his inbox entirely.

I went back to the psychologist a week ago. Over the past few months, I've realized that I'm able to integrate the story of the children into our life much more healthily, but other things have creeped in as a result of the constant stress of the past two years. While the Dr. is booked for a while, he did give me homework.

Gosh darn it. When will this strenuous mental processing end??? Huh?? Ever?? It's wearing me down.

We desperately long for something good. It's hard watching it come to others sometimes. That's the honest truth. To read someone's words of how a second child has filled their heart, been so healing, after the loss of their toddler. And I cry out inside, "Why can't that be for us?"

The intense sadness that used to be is now replaced by intense frustration and anger. The battle of feeling like we're "owed" something is never ending. Like we've put in our suffering chips and now should get something back for them. That isn't how God's kingdom works.

But how I long for something good. I long for it in my job. S longs for it in his job. In the expanding of our family. I want to feel a breath of fresh air. Like a new start. Something in life that matches this "new me" that is now me. But then I get scared and think hurt will bombard us like it did before.

Trusting God is hard. Really, really hard. I'm glad we have the story of the disciples. They got it wrong so much. But Jesus drew them in, even then.

Sweet Memory

2011-04-15T21:52:00.001-04:00

Driving home from work today, "The Best Things Happen While You're Dancing" came on my 40's station on XM. (Love that channel!) I happily hummed its winsome tune all evening. As I thought about it more and more, and recalled dancing with my sweetheart at one wedding we attended in particular, I had to agree.

Later on, I had another memory. Instead of a freshly glossed dance floor in the banquet room of the football stadium, it was a wooden floored room crowed with six people. A little girl was singing "Baila! Baila!" while jumping on the bed and begging me to swirl her around in the air, dancing to my made up waltz.

I couldn't get my breath, was lightheaded from the altitude, sick with a cold, and very nearly wanted to faint. But my daughter wanted me to dance with her. And so I did. And I will treasure it forever.

Finality

2011-04-06T08:28:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to write this, and i don't really know what to say. As is usual when I sit down to write. My mind keeps me awake at night trying to sort through all the thoughts of the day, and then accumulation from the week. It's like my brain is taking a pile of disheveled papers and is trying to sort them into the right file folder, all the while carefully creasing each file folder at just the right width for the papers it will hold, and making sure each tab is visible above the hanging file.

Ok, that makes me sound crazy.

The past week has had a few times when the finality of the adoption has shown itself. The first one was a dream I had where I was getting ready for work, and suddenly realized I didn't know where E was.

"Where is he? Where is E" I anxiously asked S. "Didn't you pick him up from daycare? What are they going to think of us leaving him there?"
"I picked him up, but I don't know where he is," S replied.

And that's where it all stopped. We don't know where our "son" is or the other son, or the other son, or daughter. And never will. Ever. If they're healthy or not. If they're loved or not. If they're safe or not. We'll never know.

The next day we received the dossier in the mail. As I cried, I realized something. They didn't feel like "my" kids anymore.

And here is where I need the script for this. If I don't feel like they are mine anymore, it's as if the whole experience is going to just fade away, never to be remembered again. Will people forget their names when I mention them? What am I supposed to do? How do I do this?

Then my mind turned on me. Are some coping mechanisms you've been using now unhealthy? Things that you've held onto for the past year, or six months that you needed then, but need to release now?

No one ever told me about this. The books all say, "cry all you need," "don't let others tell you where you should be in your grief." But they don't mention that at some point the crutches that were healthy for you initally, would become hindrances. It may sound like common sense, but....

Yesterday
My sister, nina and I all went shopping yesterday. The second half of this story is a very young teenage girl that my sister is tutoring. She is pregnant. Sister and I are planning a baby shower for her. We went to get the invitations and then to the baby aisles at Walmart.

You see, we were at Walmart because of some very dear people. People who unknowingly have been a blessing to many. Just about 2 years ago, I was the recipient of two "kid showers". I was overcome with joy at impending motherhood, and overcome with gratitude for friends who were there with us to celebrate and to help us prepare.

When we returned home, I didn't think twice about the still unused gift-cards tucked away. It was probably a year later when i came across them. Believing that the right time would come, I just kept them there.

So when sister and I prepared to go to the store, I pulled them out. I looked lovingly at the "froms" and remembered how grateful we were to receive them. I put them in my purse.

We probably spent a good two hours in the baby section at Walmart. We headed to the register with our cart full of blue and white and green and brown. I pulled out my gift cards and one by one handed them over. Sister went home, I went home with nina.

We are going to shower this girl with love, love from countless people she'll never meet.

Jesus answered, "The most important is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' ³¹ The second is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."
Mark 12: 29-31

Our Dossier Was Returned

2011-03-29T17:25:00.000-04:00

After getting off the phone with my sister, talking about H and how a student at school makes me face unmotherhood everyday because I had her in 4th grade and had this post about her two years ago, I walk up to the door and see a large address with CHI's return address.

As has always been the case when getting an envelope from CHI, my heart began to do somersaults.

And then I opened it up. Our dossier had been returned from Colombia.

All those papers, carefully gathered and regathered and regathered with love, the epitome of being an expectant parent, staring me in the face, mocking my pain. Causing tears, creating emotional chaos, anger.

If I was a swearing person, this would be the appropriate time.

Another Dream

2011-03-19T16:33:00.000-04:00

I had another dream the other day. This time it wasn't about the kids per say. In this one, we were going back to Col to adopt, but whether it was the same kids, or not is pretty hazy.

I don't do much with dreams considering my whole life I've had crazy ones, scary ones, and most of them I remember, and none of them have ever made sense...ever.

But it does make me quite melancholy the morning after one about the kids, or about Col.

Love That Will Not Let Me Go

2011-03-01T06:50:00.000-05:00

Sundays are always tear filled days. I have an immense amount of bottled up emotion that the hymns and prayers unleash.

Right before communion, we read this creed together, Heidelberg Catechism #26:

What do you believe when you say,
"I believe in God, the Father almighty,
creator of heaven and earth"?

That the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
      who out of nothing created heaven and earth
      and everything in them,
      who still upholds and rules them
      by his eternal counsel and providence,
   is my God and Father
      because of Christ his Son.

   I trust him so much that I do not doubt
      he will provide
      whatever I need
      for body and soul,
      and he will turn to my good
      whatever adversity he sends me
      in this sad world.

He is able to do this because he is almighty God;
he desires to do this because he is a faithful Father.

The immensity of what I'm affirming, and the experience we've had walking through adversity, and the experienced faithfulness of God bring me to tears. Everything within me believes He is Almighty and Faithful.

We also sang "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go".

And today I found this:

"History of Hymn

“O Love That Will Not Let Me Go” written on the evening of Matheson’s sister’s marriage. His whole family had went to the wedding and had left him alone. And he writes of something which had happened to him that caused immense mental anguish. There is a story of how years before, he had been engaged until his fiancé learned that he was going blind, and there was nothing the doctors could do, and she told him that she could not go through life with a blind man. He went blind while studying for the ministry, and his sister had been the one who had taken care of him all these years, but now she is gone.

He had been a brilliant student, some say that if he hadn’t went blind he could have been the leader of the church of Scotland in his day. He had written a learned work on German theology and then wrote “The Growth of The Spirit of Christianity.” Louis Benson says this was a brilliant book but with some major mistakes in it. When some critics pointed out the mistakes and charged him with being an inaccurate student he was heartbroken. One of his friends wrote,“When he saw that for the purposes of scholarship his blindness was a fatal hindrance, he withdrew from the field – not without pangs, but finally.”

So he turned to the pastoral ministry, and the Lord has richly blessed him, finally bringing him to a church where he regularly preached to over 1500 people each week. But he was only able to do this because of the care of his sister and now she was married and gone. Who will care for him, a blind man? Not only that, but his sister’s marriage brought fresh reminder of his own heartbreak, over his fiancé’s refusal to “go through life with a blind man.” It is the midst of this circumstance and intense sadness that the Lord gives him this hymn – written he says in 5 minutes! Looking back over his life, he once wrote that his was “an obstructed life, a circumscribed life… but a life of quenchless hopefulness, a life which has beaten persistently against the cage of circumstance, and which even at the time of abandoned work has said not “Good night” but “Good morning.”

How could he maintain quenchless hopefulness in the midst of such circumstances and trials? His hymn gives us a clue. “I trace the rainbow in the rain, and feel the promise is not vain” The rainbow image is not for him “If the Lord gives you lemons make lemonade” but a picture of the Lord’s commitment! It is a picture of the battle bow that appears when the skies are darkening and threaten to open up and flood the world again in judgment. But then we see that the battle bow is turned not towards us – but toward the Lord Himself!"
from http://www.igracemusic.com/hymnbook/hymns/o08.html

I can identify with Matheson. Very much so.

Crisis Reconciliation

2011-02-21T07:36:00.001-05:00

C S Lewis describes how grief returns upon itself in crazy twists and turns where one walks through a terrain and is confused because they've already been there before. One wonders why they're passing through again. And then there's the brain's remarkable protective functioning of being unable to process more than one "issue"-the most life-threatening one- at a time in traumatic situation.

So then, add in the spiritual crisis too, and you have one enormous mess. The very idea that this mess is going to get sorted out whether one likes it or not is VERY overwhelming. How in the world does one even proceed?

I literally feel like my brain has become a spiritual and psychological experiment. Just when I feel I've reconciled one teensy string, another huge ball of tangled mess is violently thrown in and that string is suddenly tangled into hundreds of others.

I wasn't even aware of these lurking "sorting outs" that were coming my way. But new things have caused a whirlwind of them. It's remarkable how God uses community to bring us into closer communion with him.

I made the statement to S a few weeks ago that "I feel like my head is coming out of the abyss and entering humanity again." But it feels like Blast From the Past. I'm coming into the same town, but everything is different. But instead of the town being the "different," I'm the different. I'm having to reorder everything.

It's quite a feeling when one suddenly realizes that the past- however -many- years have felt like being "dead" and now one feels "alive". And that "alive" now has completely different qualities than it did before. And that scripts for this "alive" are completely in God's hands.

These new things are causing me to address two things concurrently; to hold them in tension with the answer a complete mystery. Suffering as an integral part of life with Christ, and the prayerful response borne out of humility as a result of suffering.

On Friends and such

2011-02-14T17:17:00.000-05:00

I am so thankful for each and every person that has stopped to send us an encouraging email, or leave an uplifting comment, and for friends who listen.

I am so thankful for you. For the ones who aren't reading too.

You mean the world to us!

Mysterious Prayer

2011-02-10T06:28:00.000-05:00

Prayer confounds me. I can't really remember if it did so before, but at this point, it's a complete mystery to me. So to put it into a narrative to maybe make some sense of it, here it is.

I've mentioned before how we saw the powerful working of Almighty God while in COL. But let me back up even more.

In August of 2008, we requested a homestudy update for 4 children. Our social worker was generally very concerned about families adopting more than 2 siblings. She asked us to do a lot of things, and then we waited. I remember a time talking with my mom where she asked what I wanted them to pray for. I remember thinking one thing: for the committee to approve us for 4 children. And so with a choked voice at the realization of how much I wanted those four children, I replied, "Pray that the social workers will approve it. My heart couldn't handle if they said no."

Even now when I look back and think about it, I don't get a sense that I prayed "wrong." But I don't understand what happened after that. The previous 2 years we'd been waiting, we kept on believing that if the Lord wanted this to be, it would be.

So when we heard back that the committee had approved us, it was exhilarating. And then the blow of our homestudy agency closing and our homestudy update being delayed...and delayed...and delayed. But really, after 2 years, what's a couple of months? But it worked out.

Ok, so fast forward to spring of 2009 and we're trying to figure out what day we can request to meet the kids. S has an exam that he can't miss, or else he'd repeat a whole year of his program. It all works out, amid the bumps. Another tangible example of God working in our midst.

And then we get to COL. What I once thought, believed, experienced is completely shattered. I had no words to pray with. If ever my soul cried out to God, it was then that it began. I could only trust that the Holy Spirit was interceding. But this did not work out...the way we wanted it to.

And then we came back home.

Prayer was one thing: a constant plea for rescue. Slowly, after a few months, praying the Lord's prayer was something I could muster. It was as if I couldn't even comprehend anything for a while, and then the Scripture that has been part of me since childhood slowly was accessible.

But the line, "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," sticks with me. I still can't pray anything but that.

Recently, someone asked if they could pray for something specific. I replied that i don't feel that's what the Lord wants us (me and S) to pray. I believe He wants our continued prayer to be to walk with Him, not matter what He brings. The person asked if it was because I was afraid to hope. Not an easy answer there. "Hope" in the "belief that good things will come" is quite tempered for me now. Not in a cynical way (well, sometimes it's cynical) but tempered by experiences that have forever changed me and the way I view life. So I replied I don't feel that's in line with what the Lord wants me to pray.

So, among the other confusing spiritual facets, prayer is thrown in the jumble too. And as I reflect on the statement I made to my mom, I can only respond in frustration to God, "What ARE you doing?"

Because the truth is my heart couldn't handle it. My human heart has been broken to bits. Only a loving God can restore it. And there may be parts that are never quite the way they were before.

Random

2011-02-05T15:49:00.000-05:00

1. if you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
Family, yes, in their proper place as our animals. Children, absolutely not. Don't ever refer to me as the "mommy" of my dog!

2. if you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To go to Tahiti!

3. what is the one thing most hated by you?
Snakes

4. what would you do with a billion dollars?
I really don't know. I'll cross that bridge if I come to it!

5. what helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Depends on why, but ice cream works at times. :)

7. what is your bedtime routine?
Brush my teeth and put on my pajamas.

8. if you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
At church. He was the Sunday School teacher.

9. if you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
Watching my husband turn steel into a piece of art.

10. what kinds of books do you read?
Mostly nonfiction

11. how would you see yourself in ten years time?
I don't do that anymore. It's pretty apparent that what I think is not what the Lord has planned!

12. what’s your fear?
Never being a mom again.

13. would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Mmm, no. I have no desire to go to outer space.

19. if you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Coconuts. Evidently they're an excellent choice when one is in a survival situation. ;)

Don't Waste a Crisis | LeadershipJournal.net

2011-02-03T06:35:00.000-05:00

Don't Waste a Crisis | LeadershipJournal.net

Agony

2011-02-01T08:07:00.001-05:00

All alone, this word brings gut reaction. We think through our lives and name times we have experienced it. We know friends who are experiencing it.

Our world is in agony. Our world needs redemption; for God's Kingdom to come in the here and now.

Sunday we learned that our friends gave birth to a son, three months premature. His tiny body is suddenly having to work in ways it's not even developed for yet.

And so the parents wait. They love him knowing risk.

We love, but we love with open hands. Our love does not equal possession, ownership, or control. We want it to. We want to cling to those we love, and in some way prolong our sense of security.

But God is not safe. Our trust in Him does not give us the "get out of agony free" card. Instead it promises us a life where we will experience agony. And this is where we can live God's Kingdom and walk through the agony with each other.

God IS good. His goodness is, at this point for me, quite amorphic. I see His goodness, but I find myself most often unable to articulate it.

I find it after the agony. A quiet sense that He is Lord God Almighty.

But I don't understand His ways at all.

Sometimes...

2011-01-13T06:59:00.000-05:00

it's all too much. Sometimes all one has is the resolute "I'm trusting God because He's good, who am I to tell Him what to do." Over and over and over and over.

Maybe if I tell myself this enough, I'll actually think it, instead of just knowing I need to think it.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
      I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
      because he is good to me.
   -Psalm 13:5&6

Relationships

2010-12-30T07:42:00.000-05:00

I was thinking the other day, that nothing more on earth shows our need for redemption more than relationships. My very next thought was, "That is not very profound. That is exactly what has been redeemed: our relationship with the Almighty."

But it had me thinking. Then I went on to read some articles by an education writer who was critiquing the character ed fads that pop up. He went on to state the flaws of each program. He stated that they come from the premise that children are sinful. He asserted that they truly are compassionate, and gave examples of children acting in compassion.

But who is to know the heart, except for God? I know I do things that may look caring on the outside, but motive is anything but. The more I read this Henri Nouwen book, the more my sinful ways are exposed to me. Oh my. How I do use relationships. How my sin taints every aspect of my life.

And yet, my relationship with God is redeemed. After experiencing hugging "my" children goodbye, and watching them walk away, and the utter desolation that I felt, God's love is even more incomprehensible to me. God sent his son, knowing that to do so would include pain.

Jesus' life was the very essence of compassion-to suffer with. His coming to experience life on earth was him suffering with us. He didn't turn away from the woman who reached out to touch his robe. He didn't cast aside the distraught father, he turned to the children who were around him. He knew Peter would deny him, and yet he didn't let that relationship go.

I watched our Encuentro video on Monday. I was attempting to transfer files to my new computer, and thought it would be a good time to put the video on a DVD so it wouldn't get lost. I thought I could handle watching it.

The minute my eyes saw the children, i felt like I'd been whacked. I felt paralyzed. And furious. And so, so sad. I watched us talking to them, hugging them, seeing the hesitation in their eyes. Our pale faces from extreme anxiety. I got scared that my mind would forget their faces.

And then I had the familiar thought, "I need to go get them." I don't know where this comes from. It just wells up. The get-me-on-a-plane-right-now feeling. We, to this day, have felt nothing but peace about the decision. But, that doesn't take away the longing and the love, I guess.

And out of the blue, it hits.

2010-12-24T08:47:00.000-05:00

It's been a long while since I've cried at work because of grief. (I won't go into how many times I've cried because of school stuff....) A few times last year, it happened in front of the kids, and gratefully the kids that saw it were the ones who knew.

Wednesday was math test time for my newcomer boys. I was towards the end of the test when I looked down at the story problem I was about to read out loud.

"N*st*r picked 12 flowers for his mom...."

My throat immediately tightened. I felt my entire body freeze up. I went into something between a panic and paralyzation. I tried to substitute a different name.

"Ben picked..."

I couldn't get it out. And then the sobs came. And the great big tear drops. I began reliving being a mom. My interactions with N. So sad that things didn't turn out differently. They would have been here and would have been coming home from school that day instead of me going to school. We'd be preparing to go to grandparents' houses.

And then my little student spoke.

"It's ok. You can take a minute."

And that was all he said. I turned and walked to get a box of tissues and the sobs subsided. The boys never acted uncomfortable that I was crying; they've experienced deep hurt and trauma in their lives. They just plain get it.

Vaya con Dios, mijos....

This year is so much better than last year

2010-12-18T17:50:00.000-05:00

It truly is. While it's still hard, it in no way compares to last year. We went out shopping today for some of the last gifts. It's so much easier when S is with me. I did start to cry in JCP; we were in the kids section and there was a Hispanic family, and their daughter... And I looked over to the underwear shelves and started to cry. The last time i'd been there I was buying 10 (or something like that, I had to make multiple trips to the counter) packages of underwear and socks and so happy to be doing it! So we left rapidly.

But i was able to continue on.

Love

2010-12-01T17:09:00.001-05:00

The book I'm reading by Henri Nouwen has some good thoughts in it. Here is another little bit that I've contemplated for a while now:

Such discoveries remind us of our humble place in the scheme of things. The7y keep us from self-aggrandizement. Perhaps our need to hold life loosely is no more evident than in our daily relationships. Loving someone means allowing the other person to respond in ways you have no control over. Every time you engage yourself in an intimate, loving way with someone else you become at last partly subject to the exhilaration of hearing another person's yes or the disappointment in his or her no. The more people you love, the more pain you may experience. For the great mystery of love is that while it can be received, it can also be rejected. Every time you love you enter into the risk of love....That is what his [Jesus'] death meant-being out of control for our sakes, from great love.

Our pain and suffering of the Lord are intimately connected. When we mourn, we die to something that gives us a sense of who we are. In this sense suffering always has much to do with the spiritual life. We surrender our striving denial of our limitations. We release our hold on a piece of our identity as a spouse, a parent, a member of church...We may even suffer for our faith. Jesus' first followers were handed over to persecution and death. And so we admit, not without many tears, that we sometimes must let go of what we hold very dear. (from Turn My Mourning Into Dancing 29-30)

The absolute scariest thing for me now is to have my love rejected. Initially, it was nearly impossible to put myself in situations where it could. But, I had to. In order to move beyond that paralyzing fear of rejection, I had to still open my arms in love- especially to children.

My niece and nephews have been a balm to my hurt heart. So has another friend's boy, and our former neighbor girls. It's amazing to me how each little choice I make to risk love, risk being rejected has strengthened my capacity to love. I was telling S the other day that the "fist bump" is quite helpful. Kids are kids, and if they don't want to give affection, they're not going to. So saying goodbye can be rough on the adult who gets pushed away or ran from- especially when their heart is hurting. But the poor child doesn't want to give affection-and shouldn't be forced to. They'll give a fist bump though- and it may even put a smile on their face.

Each little bit

2010-11-17T17:22:00.000-05:00

is important. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas we pretty much wanted the entire winter months to disappear. Facing the holidays was bringing up way too much emotion. We played no music, had no decorations, and pretty much managed to have each day just like the next; it worked very well too. When Christmas was over, i didn't have to face the transition, we had no "let down" feeling after taking away the tree because there wasn't one.

But do you know what I did today? I played Christmas music. Not music with words; I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that. But Manheim Steamroller, and some others Pandora chose for me, were playing in my classroom this morning.

Healing is a long road, but this is another example of God's remarkable influence on restoring what was once broken.

God is merciful...time and time again

2010-11-16T07:58:00.000-05:00

We've been reading through Judges and Samuel in small group. Over and over again, God shows mercy to those who've said no to him. Samuel marks the beginning of God sending Israel a king because they keep saying no to the Lord as King. When I read this verse:

Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance.⁷“Do everything they say to you,” the Lord replied, “for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want me to be their king any longer.⁸Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment.⁹Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them.”
I was very humbled. Here I am, saying no the Lord, saying that I want to be the king in my life.

What right do I have to say that?

2010-10-10T16:12:00.001-04:00

Thank you friends for your encouragement!

Frustrated

2010-10-07T17:03:00.004-04:00

I don't like my job anymore. It rules my life. It makes my stomach knot up most days. I come home exhausted, mad, cranky and wanting to give up. Because of the environment, kids are afraid to talk. I then have to fight that to get them to learn.

Basically, most days I feel like my life stinks. I'm unhappy, rushed, tired, frustrated, and just fed up with life being this way.

Yes, I have a job (and I should be sooo thankful) and I have house (I should be soo thankful) and I'm not sick. But the one thing, the only thing, I want I can't have. I hear other people say how blessed they are..because they have kids. And that's all I want!!! Why can't I have that? I honestly could care less, at this point, where I lived or how much money we made. I can't even spend time with the people I want to spend time with either.

I am so mad! I'm so mad I'm crying. So there you have it. I hold it in all day long. But when I come home, the anxiety, suppression, frustration and indignation comes flowing out. And I hate that. I want to relax and enjoy home. But I can't. Cause it's all gotta come out somewhere.

Stepping Forward....a little more

2010-09-11T08:27:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I had a sick day for a Dr. Appt.

So when I came home, I wondered what I should do. I was looking at my desk and thought I should start there. You see, it's been covered with papers for over a year. It was clean May 2009. But that's because I'd organized all of it to be ready when we returned from Colombia and needed to complete post-placement reports and schedule Dr. visits.

But when we came back, we couldn't bear to unpack. Our suitcases sat in the living room for a month and a half. And then, we never really unpacked; we just pulled what we needed out until all was pretty much out.

Except for the paperwork.

When you devote hours upon hours upon hours to that paperwork and it symbolizes your children, it weighs heavy with value. I could not even bear to look at it. So I stacked it on my desk with averted eyes. Letters that came from Children's Hospital with the kids' names on them were stacked on my desk. A few times I tried to clean it up, but I just couldn't handle it.

Yesterday, I knew it was time. Some of the top papers weren't adoption related at all. That was easy. But then i saw a hospital letter with S's name on it-unopened. I opened it. The words "your child..." stared at me. I put it quickly into the adoption medical file. A few more random papers and then the binder. The binder I'd meticulously organized with all of our copies of the Homestudy, passports, applications, signed documents, receipts, all of it that we'd need to finalize the adoption in Colombia. And it was all still there as I'd put it in. One paper had our signature on it. The one from Bienestar when we took over care of the children.

At that point the sobs hit. The wracking, I can't breathe, immensely painful kind. I put the binder in the file cabinet and continued on. I came across receipts from Carrefor, and the little grocery down the street where I'd carried E (the only time he let me carry him) and actually felt like a "real mom" grocery shopping with 2 of her kids. I'd had to say "no" to H when she saw a princessa paper doll and book. She asked so sweetly, and I desperately wanted to buy it for her, but it was like $12,000 or something, and I couldn't figure out the math to see what it would be in $USD. Not to mention the hell that would break loose back home if one of her brothers got a hold of it and destroyed it.

Then i found the file that had a song H had written down for me for a hand-clap game. We'd been playing it one day, and she tried to say it slowly enough for me to learn it, but without seeing them written I was having trouble. So she labored over writing it down for me. We sat on the wood floor at the top of the steps, me relishing the sweet time with my daughter. I remember thinking how blessed i was to have H as a daughter.

And on I went. I got the desk cleaned off and the papers put away. My heart was very sad. I tried and am trying hard to accept this day, yesterday, that day in June as God's will. At this moment, it's very painful.

Stepping Forward

2010-09-10T13:56:00.002-04:00

When you're stuck in the middle of grief, anxiety, confusion, hurt, anger and depression, it's hard to see how God has moved in your life; how he's worked on your character, built up your faith, shaped humility and deepened compassion. But after a while, sometimes a long while, has gone by, you may be able to see some of how God has used you to tell His story.

Last weekend, I experienced being fully present in the moment. I didn't confuse that moment with previous moments. I was able to just be "me". My little nephew was very upset that he couldn't ride home in the tractor with his daddy. He was carried inside and I picked him up to comfort and console him. I held him for 7 minutes or so, and when he was calm, we went to go play in the garden dirt.

It wasn't until 5 hours later that it hit me. I had no negative emotional response when I picked him up and he was angry and crying. No flashbacks of our experiences parenting. Nothing. I had been calm, handled the emotions from my nephew calmly and lovingly with no problem.

That is cause to rejoice! And I did. Not jumping up or down or anything, but I had tears of thankfulness. My Lord has given me the strength to endure this past year and has taken away much of my distress.

Grandma

2010-09-06T19:21:00.004-04:00

Sean's Grandma passed away this past week. She was 94 1/2. I'm so glad I got to know her. She was my Grandma too. When we were first married, we were able to stay with her and Grandpa. She'd make us bacon, eggs in the bacon grease, and hashbrowns. Mmm.

While we were up there, it was the Auburn Car Show. This year, they had the Duesenburg Exhibition of Speed. Duesenburg owners drove their cars in to show them off on a runway. It was so cool to see these cars speed up! Clark Gable's car was there too.

And of course we played with the nephews and niece. But I didn't get pictures of sobrina this time around.

Thoughts

2010-08-11T14:14:00.004-04:00

The past year has set my mind whirling with pondering "the will of God". In Colombia, we had peace as that God was in the middle of what was happening; though that peace was in stark contrast to the terrible devastation we felt. However, upon coming home, we felt stuck. Utterly, completely, sometimes hopelessly, stuck. I read about this feeling in a book by H. Norman Wright, where he described the after effects of grief as being stuck on ice; afraid to take a step for fear of sprawling again. And so one just stands still.

But it hasn't just been grief that has caused me to feel so stuck, or to fear moving in any direction. The reality that trusting God might mean further pain has kept me motionless. As I look back, the comments that often made me the maddest were the ones around "God has a plan." To someone who is experience deep emotional pain, that is not helpful. They are already acutely aware that God's will for their life at that moment is to suffer. One immediately knows that life down the road is not going to be void of more pain, and the thought of it happening again, experiencing this pain again, is too much to think about.

As I've thought about God's will and what that really means in my life, I have come to find that it is not quite as mysterious as I once thought. My will interjects itself where it shouldn't. Sometimes we as followers of God think that we need a "sign" from God as to which direction to take in our life, or what choice to make. I don't think God has a schematic drawn out with all of our moves, and what "his will" is. Instead, ultimately God can and will use all of our choices, decisions and actions to further his kingdom and bring glory to himself. Our task is to accept the life in front of us. There are many choices that we can "just make" and accept the outcome of whichever one.

When we suffer intense anguish, something miraculous happens. We see ourselves for what we truly are: helpless. Totally, completely helpless and in need of a Savior. In those times, our only recourse is to turn to God. There is nothing else, no one else. It feels literally like turn to God or die.

But it is not always for us to receive immediate comfort. Our life must still heal, and while we have Biblical hope in Christ, it takes time for our minds and emotions to process through what has happened. It may sound "wrong" for me to say that during times of my deepest heartache God was no comfort. But, it's true. Nothing was comfort. There was no way to escape the pain. So how does that work with the only recourse being to turn to God? How can one, at once, turn to God and yet experience no comfort from Him? For me, comfort came in God sustaining me. I knew that this pain, the pain of the children, was not in vain. God's ultimate plan is for us to be shaped into His image and glorify Him. I knew I was not alone, but what I wanted was God to literally be next to me telling me my pain was not in vain. Comfort was not what I expected.

I'm not sure why I'm saying all of this. Maybe it's to open someone's eyes as to how to be a friend to someone who is in pain. Or maybe it's to share with someone in pain that God's comfort might not come as we expect it to, but God will be there.

I've been reading a book that's very encouraging. It's called He Leadeth Me. Here is a little bit:

"Now with sudden and almost blinding clarity and simplicity, I realized I had been trying to do something with my own will and intellect that was at once too much and mostly all wrong. God's will was not hidden somewhere "out there" in the situations in which I found myself; the situations themselves were his will for me. What he wanted was for me to accept theses situations as from his hands, to let go of the reins and place myself entirely at his disposal. He was asking of me an act of total trust, allowing for no interference or restless striving on my part, no reservations, no exceptions, no areas where I could set conditions or seem to hesitate. He was asking a complete gift of self, nothing held back. It demanded absolute faith: faith in his existence, in his providence, in his concern for the minutest detail, in his power to sustain me, and in his love protecting me. It meant losing the last hidden doubt, the ultimate fear that God will not be there to bear you up....
Of course we believe that we depend on God, that his will sustains us in every moment of our life. But we are afraid to put it to the test. There remains deep down in each of us a little nagging doubt, a little knot of fear that we refuse to face or admit to ourselves, that says, 'Suppose it isn't so.' We are afraid to abandon ourselves totally into God's hands for fear he will not catch us as we fall. It is the ultimate criterion, the final test of all faith and belief, and it is present in each of us, lurking unvoiced in a closet of our mind we are afraid to open. It is not really a question of trust in God at all, for we want very much to trust Him; it is really a question of our ultimate belief in his existence and his providence, and it demands the purest act of faith."
-He Leadeth Me by Walter Ciszek, pg 77-78

Waterpark

2010-08-04T08:45:00.002-04:00

My sisters and i went to the waterpark on Monday! It was actually I who suggested it. I was quite surprised myself. For some reason, it just sounded cathartic and therapeutic. We had a lot of fun. When we went down the giant slide, I had a sweet memory of going down the one at Jaime Duque park with H. She and I got stuck in the middle and I remember how much she laughed. I really miss having a daughter.

I love my sisters. I'm glad they're close by.

Vacation

2010-07-13T10:42:00.005-04:00

We took a real live vacation this year. We flew to San Antonio for a few days. It was so pretty! I know everyone who goes talks about the Riverwalk, and no wonder! It's magical! We also drove up to Austin to see Juni*r Br*wn play at the C*ntinental Club. (He sings "You're wanted by the po-lice, and my wife thinks you're dead." among others.)

Then we came back home for a night and drove to NW Ohio the following morning. It was a great week!

Thank You

2010-06-15T06:58:00.002-04:00

Over the past year, we have received cards, notes, phone calls, emails, and blog notes encouraging us. It has meant so much to us as we process through what happened; in fact, many times those notes have been quite timely. A few days before one of the kids' birthday, and yesterday on the day we left for Col. last year.

I don't think I can quite put in words how much everyone's love and prayer has meant to us. It has helped sustain us.

Muchisimas gracias.

I see you, but you look like a tree walking around

2010-06-09T08:33:00.002-04:00

Sean's been taking our small group through Mark. Last night we were discussing Mark 8. Every time I read that chapter this week, I felt it was for me. But then I'd get upset! I also stumbled across a man named Walter Ciszek who was a priest in WWII Russia. He was captive for 23 some years. He had this to say in one of his books:

"Across the threshold I had been afraid to cross, things suddenly seemed so very simple. There was but a single vision, God, who was all in all; there was but one will that directed all things, God's will. I had only to see it, to discern it in every circumstance in which I found myself, and let myself be ruled by it. God is in all things, sustains all things, directs all things. To discern this in every situation and circumstance, to see His will in all things, was to accept each circumstance and situation and let oneself be borne along in perfect confidence and trust. Nothing could separate me from Him, because He was in all things. No danger could threaten me, no fear could shake me, except the fear of losing sight of Him. The future, hidden as it was, was hidden in His will and therefore acceptable to me no matter what it might bring. The past, with all its failures, was not forgotten; it remained to remind me of the weakness of human nature and the folly of putting any faith in self. But it no longer depressed me. I looked no longer to self to guide me, relied on it no longer in any way, so it could not again fail me. By renouncing, finally and completely, all control of my life and future destiny, I was relieved as a consequence of all responsibility. I was freed thereby from anxiety and worry, from every tension, and could float serenely upon the tide of God's sustaining providence in perfect peace of soul

And then this:

"God’s will was not hidden somewhere ‘out there’ . . . the situations [in which I found myself] were his will for me. What he wanted was for me to accept these situations as from his hands, to let go of the reins and place myself entirely at his disposal.”

Oooh. So now add that to this whole thing of me wavering back and forth on whether I'm going to teach next year, where i'm going to teach next year, and having to fork our $$ to take the classes, and you get one anxious Angela. And then I come back to what Jesus says in Mark, and I keep thinking, "how on earth do I do that??" There are times when I want to, and times when I just plain don't.

My will and God's will. My will is still battling it out.

New Job

2010-05-12T15:33:00.002-04:00

This is the last year I'm going to teach for a while. My certificate expires and I didn't take the classes to keep it current because we were paying for an adoption (and knew i wouldn't be going back to work anytime soon) But, I just don't really want to teach anymore right now. For a lot of reasons, but few that i can actually articulate.

So I have to do something else.

2010-05-01T13:01:00.001-04:00

The "Prayer of Abandonment"

for Adoptive Parents

Father, we abandon ourselves into your hands,

to send a child ... or not ... as you see fit.

You by whom the Word was made flesh,

send us a miracle, if this is what you desire.

Or lead us to her, if that be your will.

We do not ask for guarantees; no parent can.

Only light enough for the very next step.

We do not ask for a perfect child,

nor can we promise to be perfect parents.

Whatever you choose for us, whatever you desire

we abandon ourselves to your perfect will.

We are ready to offer our daily "yes,"

until that perfect will be revealed in us.

And until, at last perfected, we bear witness

to the work of redemption you began in Eden.

We love you, Lord, and offer ourselves to you,

wholly and without reservation.

We surrender ourselves, moment by moment,

knowing that this is only the first small step

Of a lifetime of surrender,

so that we may be made more perfect in love.

That we might imitate, on earth as in heaven,

the redemptive love

the adoptive love

the selfless love

with which you first loved us.

I danced in the car tonight...

2010-04-30T21:56:00.002-04:00

I haven't done that in a long time...probably about a year. And it felt wonderful. My ole fave "Get Ready For This" came on the 90's station and i turned it up. :) But not at a stoplight because I didn't want people to stare. :0

Yes, Wendi, I think you're right. :)

Our Referral: One Year Ago

2010-04-28T18:33:00.002-04:00

Not an anniversary I ever wanted to end up the way it has. Last year, we were getting ready, furiously, to become parents. I was filled with hope, excitement, joy, anticipation... Now, our house is still empty, but looks exactly the way it did a year ago...ready for children. I've never felt like it was "time" to do anything other than just leave everything the way it is.

Easter

2010-04-05T19:34:00.007-04:00

Easter was great fun. On Saturday, we whisked the kids down to the basement, along with 2 lambs for photos. This one above captures the chaos. Trying to get 6 kids and 2 lambs facing the camera is a feat! Then the lambs were peeing on the floor... it was too funny. Here's a picture of a ewe and her lamb. They're so precious!

We enjoyed holding and playing with our niece and nephews. Here is Sean entertaining them with the wonders of the iphone. :) Baby H loved to fall asleep with Sean.

It's Spring!

2010-03-31T06:26:00.003-04:00

Last weekend was typical Ohio Spring: it snowed on Friday. Now this week, the high is supposed to be in the mid 70s. I couldn't ask for prettier weather during my spring break!

Last weekend was also Palm Sunday and our church's Easter Egg Hunt. We invited our neighbors. Little Boy went with his family, and Las Chicas and their Mama rode with us. I was so happy that they could come. Our church puts out 20,000 eggs for this massive egg hunt....ok, it's not really a hunt cause they're only like 6" from each other. Las Chicas scored! They totally outhunted many of the other kids. One of them had a full bag, half of another bag, and eggs in her pockets, shirt hem, and under her chin. Of course with 20,000 eggs. Don't worry, there were enough left for everyone else too.

I was surprised that I didn't get sad when we were there. I was actually able to enjoy the whole thing without the shadow coming over me.

But that didn't help when Palm Sunday rolled around. I'd forgotten that the Sunday School kids would be walking through the sanctuary with palms. Suddenly I saw them walking out of the corner of my eye and I started sobbing. Yes, Palm Sunday was one of those days I've always looked forward to...watching MY children waving their palms and learning about the King. And they weren't there. I cried and cried and finally was able to calm down.

This next weekend, we're going to NW OH. Thankfully if I start to cry during Easter mass, I'll have a nephew to cuddle. :)

Confused

2010-03-15T06:34:00.003-04:00

I've spent many days feeling very confused. Confused about things that have happened, confused about how to proceed in life, and feeling very confused at these emotions I experience. Here is one example.

I haven't written anything about Colombia, but I want to share one of the most intensely happy moments I have ever felt in my life. It was a moment that I will cherish forever. The kids had seen previews for Aladdin on tv. They were so excited it was on, so we planned to watch it together when it came on at 7 pm. We got all ready for bed and made up the beds on the floor. H turned on the tv, and could hardly wait. E had his bottle and lay on his pillow. I sat down on the floor next to him, and at the same moment, H and S plopped into my lap; S with his head on my lap, and H on my knee. I think we sat like this for almost an hour. My feet were asleep, my legs were asleep, my butt was asleep and quite sore from the hard floor, my back ached, but I was full of joy. This was a moment I'd waited for for so long and I cherished it. I felt like I was doing what every fiber of my being was made to do: be a mother.

And here I am confused. My whole life, I have been learning to make the Lord my source of happiness, and find my joy in Him. So why did that moment make me so happy? For a long while, before the adoption, and once we started it, I prayed that I"d seek the Lord first and find my content in Him. So why do I now feel like that happiness is missing?

We went to eat the other night with our close friends and their baby, W. I love W. I'm able to give him kisses and cuddle him, and cry and heal. This didn't happen suddenly on coming home. It was really hard at first. Bt that night I was holding W with his face against mine, cuddling him, when out of nowhere, that feeling hit me. The feeling of being so happy. And I was confused, very confused. W's not my child. I love him, but he's not my son. And why oh why, did I feel so happy? And why do I feel so sad when he then leaves? or when my neighbors leave? or when we say goodbye to our niece and nephews? It sometimes feels like we're saying goodbye to the kids all over again.

Sadness

2010-02-19T16:38:00.002-05:00

It's seeming to really be heavy lately. It's a different sadness than before; the sadness earlier was an angry-sad.

While I know we are healing, it's still hard to look into the future and know this sadness will be with me for the rest of my life. To different degrees of course, but I am forever changed by it.

When we were doing our homestudy and thinking about the "how have you resolved your infertility" question, I remember thinking that my struggle initially started with not being able to be pregnant and give birth, but then became an issue of just being childless.

So not only do I grieve the loss of the 4 children and having them in our life, I'm also dealing with the sadness of being still childless.

Trusting the Lord with open hands

2010-01-26T10:56:00.004-05:00

The stories of Abraham and Hannah have been on my mind many times. So too have been the last days of Jesus. And Job. And the disciples leaving their lives and following Jesus.

When I first began reading Attaching in Adoption, the acknowledgments Deborah D. Gray wrote got my attention. Her last line is:

"I have come to acknowledge myself as am attachment-disordered child of a loving God, slow to trust and confused between life and God, in spite of evidence of love."

As I read the book, and her subsequent book Nurturing Adoptions, that stuck with me. I would pause and reflect on a situation she was describing and think about how it mirrored my relationship with the Lord.

And then, when it was our time to be parents, my eyes were opened in a way I never thought possible. I saw God's mighty power and love and mercy poured out on us those 11 days. It was miraculous. I realized that I responded to God the same way the children responded to us. I loved them; I desperately wanted them to see that was why we intervened. Their agony pierced me to the very depths. And I saw my own life reflected in them, played out before my eyes. Me, pushing God away, not able to trust. Not able to surrender. Not able to relinquish control to a Perfect Lord.

Never in all my thoughts did I think I would be in the same situation as Hannah. Here she was, a woman longing to have children. Her distress was evident. And then she made a promise to God to give her child to Him. He allowed her to conceive, she was a mother to her child for a time, and then she took him to Eli to honor her promise. She surrendered him. She held him with open hands. She knew that, though she cared for him as a mother, he was the Lord's. Through Samuel, David was anointed. And through the line of David, our Savior came.

The Savior that has held me in all my days of bitter anger crying out to Him, my contemplating turning my back on Him because I just couldn't stand the pain of following Him anymore. And through it all, He is Lord. Through it all, His glory and mercy and power have proven to be true. He has the words of eternal life.

²No one is holy like the Lord!

There is no one besides you;

there is no ^dRock like our God....

⁸He lifts the poor from the dust

and the needy from the garbage dump.

He sets them among princes,

placing them in seats of honor.

For all the earth is the Lord’s,

and he has set the world in order.

1 Samuel 2:2,8

My sweet neighbor

2010-01-13T06:13:00.003-05:00

When we came back from Colombia, it was REALLY hard to play with our neighbor kids. On our little extended cul-de-sac, there are 11 kids under 12. They all knew we were going to Colombia to adopt 4 children, and were quite intrigued by it. So when we came back and pulled into the driveway, we'd occasionally see their little heads tilting sideways trying to get a look at our children...that they didn't know weren't there. My sister had told them all that we were coming back, but had been unable to adopt the carinitos.

But as kids are, they still came over to knock on our door, showed up when the garage door was open, ran over when we'd get home from somewhere; they pretty much wouldn't let up on us. Sometimes it was brutal, sometimes it made me cry when I thought "there should have been 4 more little ones in my front yard." Sometimes we just had to send the kids home. Some days I was downright mad at God that these kids were around...all the time.

So the weeks went by, the months went by, and it got colder. Most of the kids play inside during the winter; except our next door neighbors. Niña comes over quite often. Sometimes we make cookies, sometimes we play Candyland. On Saturday, she wanted to make a snowman.

We were in our front hall putting on gloves and scarves and hats and mittens and boots and coats, and as I was tying her scarf she said, "It's sad that your daughter couldn't be here, cause she'd be really having lots of fun with us."

There's something about addressing the hurt head on, wrapped in tenderness, that does something for my heart. I struggle with knowing that I was a mother, not in the way I thought I'd be, but for a time. But since most people don't want to bring up the carinitos for fear of causing us pain, it actually does the opposite; I feel like they've been forgotten. Now I know that's not true, but every time Nina says something about the carinitos, I am grateful. Very sad, but grateful. Thankful that the Lord, in is Wisdom, had brought Niña into our lives.

6 Months

2009-12-18T06:31:00.003-05:00

I keep counting how long it's been since we met the carinitos, and said goodbye. I don't know why...sometimes it's to keep from thinking it was a cruel dream, and sometimes it's to remind myself that I've survived. Whatever it is, it's been 6 months since we first met them.

Sean and I went to Kroger last night. I needed some candy canes for school Friday, and some marshmallows. I was walking down the aisle and saw a familiar face. It was a student from last year. "Hi N!" I said. He turned and looked at me and smiled. "Hi Mrs. D!" and then the dreadful part, "How are your kids?"

We still get this. We will for a long time I suppose. Hundreds of people have been praying with us for the adoption for nearly 3 years--we are deeply grateful for the prayers.

I tried to snap out of my immediate flood of memories and sadness. "We couldn't adopt them." is my standard reply. Of course he asked why, but I just kinda ignore it. "So how come you're not teaching then?" "Well I am...I'm just not at PL anymore."

While the pain is different now, I never stop thinking of the carinitos.

Yet I still belong to you;

you hold my right hand.

²⁴You guide me with your counsel,

leading me to a glorious destiny.

²⁵Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth.

²⁶My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

he is mine forever.
Psalm 73

Out of nowhere

2009-10-16T09:45:00.003-04:00

It's now been 4 months since we went to Colombia. It sure doesn't seem like 4 months. I think the end of summer months/beginning of fall months go faster than the winter/ beginning of spring ones.

I started back to work 4 weeks ago. It was torture and still is hard. But while I was at home after returning from Colombia and working through my feelings and where my will was in relation to God's, I learned that the only way I'd be able to move through "this" was to actually set aside time to think on what's happened. So now, I've been practicing "turning off school" when I get in the car to go home. It was really difficult at first because the past 6 years I haven't done that. But I MUST do that now. Otherwise the weeked rolls around and I'm left in a very bad state. And that makes the weekend and next week even worse.

The moments of intese debilitating grief are lessening, but they do come out of nowhere. One of the many things we learned about adoption was that many things can trigger grief, anger, or reliving a bad situation. I didn't ever really know exactly what that meant, until now. Now I understand how birthdays, holidays are rough on children. I understand how a small comment no one else even notices triggers unrational rage inside. Going to the grocery store and seeing or hearing a child that sounds like H, S, N or E makes me freeze up and relive whatever memory of the kids I have at that moment.

I do miss them. Sometimes i stop for a minute while washing the dishes and imagine what the house would have sounded like with them there with me.

Tough

2009-09-16T20:08:00.003-04:00

I went back to work on Monday. It. was. hard. I cried more than not. I didn't think that would really happen...me crying so much, but it did. Tuesday was slightly better, and today was slightly better. I continually pray all day long for the Lord to give me courage. I switch schools in the middle of the day, and yesterday I was sorely tempted to just go home when I got in my car.

This morning I had to go over to my previous school from last year, PL to get files and books I'd left there not thinking I'd need. The minute I entered the neighborhood, I started crying and was crying the whole time I was there. I love that staff. I really do. They are all so kind and caring. I wished with all my heart I could be back at "my" school. In my head I kept telling God that I'd "do this" if I could just be back at PL. But I don't think that's where He wants me. He would have put me there if He did.

One of my students looks exactly like H. I kept looking and looking at her because it's so uncanny. Then I started to get all choked up thinking about pushing her on the swing, playing finchas with her, talking with her....It doesn't take much at all and suddenly I'm watching those days in Colombia play out in front of me like it's a veil over the rest of the world.

I struggle every day with saying yes to the Lord and trusting Him. Yesterday, I didn't want to at all. I just wanted to tell God that I'm "done" and that I won't be at work, won't be at church and just cocoon or something. But I always come back to God is good and He has redeemed this and really, what would I do or be without Him?

Why "God's plan" is often not comforting

2009-09-13T13:01:00.002-04:00

That sounds harsh, doesn't it? But it's true, for me anyway. Oh, I'm sure it has roots in pride, somewhere, but if I look deep it's something else entirely: FEAR.

So why is being told, "God has a plan" not comforting? Because after experiencing this pain, there is no guarantee that God's plan will be void of more pain. It very well indeed could include more pain and more suffering. And the Bible even says that is what we should expect, and that we should count it all joy. Being told that the Lord will bless us carries the same feelings. Blessing from the Lord are not the "easy life" we are often fooled into thinking they are.

It could be that a blessing the Lord gives us is a deepened empathy for others experiencing pain. So from a selfish stanpoint, that's not comforting because it doesn't really benefit me. Maybe the blessing is the opportunity to minister to others because we aren't ministering to our children. Well, I can't see (with my human limitations) how that is a blessing when the Bible talks about children being a blessing! I want the latter one!

What carries me through right now is thinking about how God is worthy of my trust. It gets me through the next moment and the next, and the next. Thinking about what the "plan" might be only sabatoges my fragile emotions and ability to trust.

So for anyone who is wondering, God IS worthy of our trust. This pain has already been redeemed through God sacrificing his son for us. It's hard for me to wrap my head around, but it's a soft whisper to my battered soul. This pain has been redeemed and this struggle is not for naught; it points to God, the redeemer.

Spanish books and cool websites

2009-09-09T08:03:00.002-04:00

I just have to share these websites. The first one is the International Childrens' Digital Library. This site has digital versions of books. The super cool thing is that you can search for books in all kinds of languages!! There are tons in Spanish! It's difficult to find Spanish children's books for a decent price, so this is really cool! The website is set up well and easy to navigate.

The other website is a list of literacy games and other such things that include activities in Spanish. GameGoo is by Earobics, a program my school district uses. The main page is a new bilingual publisher I guess.

http://www.bilingualreaders.com/resources/just-for-kids/

2009-08-27T19:34:00.004-04:00

It hurts when the neighbor kids ask what we're going to do with the toys.
It hurts when people go on to question why we weren't the right parents and say it must have been because there were 4.
It hurts when someone asks us we don't just "have our own."
Most of all it hurts because they were our own, but only for 10 days.

And right now it hurts because it's my birthday, and they aren't here to share it with me.

Not really reinstated after all....

2009-08-21T20:32:00.002-04:00

Well, I got a call today and the director said there may be a problem. So he's going to call back Monday.

Reinstated

2009-08-20T18:12:00.003-04:00

I found out I will be reinstated starting on Monday. I felt a little let down this morning when the director called and said they didn't have a beginning of the year position for me. But he asked how I'd feel about home instruction. I said I thought I'd enjoy it! An hour and a half later they called and offered me the position.

I don't know at all how it works, how many students I'll have, or what exactly I'll be teaching, but I'm thankful to be reinstated.

A few notes

2009-08-17T09:48:00.002-04:00

It feels good to say this: I actually think we're starting to feel better. It kind of goes in waves and backtracks, but I can at least add the comparative "-er" now.

I requested reinstatement from leave, but have yet to hear if I have a position. School starts on the 24th, so hopefully I'll hear something this week?

Sean has been working nights for a few weeks now. It's been hard to have a "schedule" because of it. Evidently, when one is healing, one is supposed to have a "schedule." I guess we've done the best we can.

For the first time, I enjoyed playing with the neighbor kids over the weekend. That is good.

2009-08-09T13:41:00.000-04:00

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.”
- Henri Nouwen

A Drive to Illinois

2009-07-20T08:33:00.004-04:00

This past weekend, we drove to IL to celebrate Granny's 90th Birthday. It was a difficult weekend. Right before we left for Colombia, we'd heard of the plans to have this party for her. Of course we wanted to go, but didn't know if we'd even be back from Colombia in time.

But we were. And to be there without our kids was really hard. Taking pictures without our kids was really hard. And I couldn't make it through the picture with Granny, Mom and my sisters...because H wasn't in the picture with me.

Sunday was our anniversary, and to our stunned surprise, the radio played the song we were supposed to have danced to at our wedding! (The music didn't work at the reception.) And then when we arrived home, there was a package from Em. Em, it is absolutely beautiful! I cut out the note on the envelope and put it inside. Very timely indeed. :)

Questions Unanswered

2009-07-10T09:54:00.002-04:00

I know the thought going through everyone's mind is, "What happened down there?" And honestly, the same question goes through our mind, just in a a different context. How could the Lord, who'd provided everything for this adoption for nearly 2 1/2 years, ordain (or permit) this to happen? We have absolutely no idea...and we may never know.

What we do know is that this hurts to the depths of our very being. We are trying to go through the motions of life at least, even though we don't want to. Through it all, we know that the Lord is working in our life, and in the lives of the children and we trust Him in that. But that's pretty much all we've got.

We are so very thankful for everyone's prayers and offers to help. If you're in the area and want to stop by to say hi for a while, we'd like that. If you're wondering what to say to us, or anyone whose been through something like this, "I'm so sorry" is the best thing to say.

Though it's difficult to watch friends go through something painful and not know what happened, that is how this must be. While part of this is Sean's and my story, the other part belongs to our 4 children. In order to protect them and their future family, we will not be sharing the details of what happened.

Heartbroken

2009-07-03T19:44:00.003-04:00

We were not able to complete the adoption. We were not the right parents for the children. We were parents for 10 days. There are no words to express how sad, sick, and devasted we are.

We are here!

2009-06-15T10:44:00.002-04:00

We flew out of CMH on Sunday morning. We were there really early so that we could relax. Then we flew to ATL, were there early as well. We were able to request exit row seats! Yes! The woman who sat next to us was very helpful and kind. We arrived in Bogota a little after 9 pm (They're on EST, but don't do daylight savings, so they're an hour behind us.) We did fine at immigration and customs. We were picked up by our rep, and we went to the hotel for the night. Today we're meeting Lucia and heading over to the house we're staying at! We're pretty nervous....ah make that really nervous! It's hard to eat. :)

Off we go!

2009-06-14T06:19:00.002-04:00

We're eating breakfast, washing the last dishes and then heading to the airport at 8!! To say we're nervous is an understatement! Our poor dog could hardly sleep last night; I think we were giving off very anxious vibes. We depart CMH at 12, have a layover in ATL, and then arrive in Colombia at 9 pm. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!

We'll try to update at least once a week!

The sizes we're taking...

2009-06-09T09:06:00.003-04:00

we've asked lots of people (the kids at school were a great help!!), but I thought I'd put it out to everyone too. We have the height and weight of the kids from April.

H is 75lbs and 4'5"...we're taking a size 4 shoe, size 10 clothes
S is 42lbs and 3'6"...we're taking a size 1 shoe, size 4/5 clothes
N is 38.5lbs and 3'6"...we're take a 12 shoe, size 4/5 clothes
E is 30 lbs and 34.6"...we're taking a 7 shoe, size 2T maybe 3T

Suggestions are welcome! :)

Also, what brand of training undies would you recommend? I've seen some at JCP, but haven't seen them anywhere else. (Maybe I've just looked in the wrong spot?)

Shopping Trip

2009-06-07T17:24:00.002-04:00

There's still so many little things we need before we leave, so I headed out this afternoon to go to Kroger, Kohls and Target. Kroger was doing triple coupons, so I wanted to take advantage of that and get toothbrushes, pharmacy stuff, and other items we needed. Then I wanted to price check the mattress covers at Kohls, and price check a swimsuit for H. The mattress covers were buy one get one free! So I bought 4 waterproof ones. Then I headed to Target where I inially wanted to buy another shoe cubby for the front door. But they weren't on sale. So I just kept browsing. I finally found a swimsuit for H for a decent price, boys belts for 2.50 on clearance, and boys shoes on clearance. Our plan is to take a pair of shoes for each of the kids, and hope they fit. :)

9 days until we leave!

2009-06-05T13:56:00.002-04:00

Me oh my! Yesterday was the last day of school and today was the teacher workday. S came in to help me move all my boxes and furniture. Around 10 teachers were switching classrooms, so it was great to have his help. We had my classrom and 3/4 of another one moved within 3 hours! :0 It was strange to walk out of my classroom and know that I won't be unpacking it in the fall. Strange, but VERY welcome!!!

The race is on now to get everything on our checklist accomplished before next Saturday!

Little tidbits

2009-05-29T20:30:00.005-04:00

So, in case anyone is interested, here's our organizational strategy. We'll have a binder with divider pockets to carry around all of our documents needed on a day-to-day basis. Then we'll have one of those expandable files to add whatever we receive while we're down there.

The bag that I chose has a section made just especially for documents to keep them wrinkle free. It also has a laptop compartment, accessible from a top zipper so you don't have to open the whole thing up. Sean's pack also has one; so either of us could carry the laptop. We debated getting true backbacks or the sling/messenger style packs. Basically it came down to which one is easiest to access. The sling/messengers won. The strap can go over the shoulder, or be buckled tight around the waist. Thanks again for all the suggestions!

Received the visas!

2009-05-29T06:27:00.002-04:00

Yesterday when we returned home from my sister's graduation party, a FedEx evelope was laying on our doorstep. I'm not sure why the envelope wasn't inside the storm door...but oh well. It didn't get wet. Inside were our passports with visas...and they sent our original child offer letter back to us! How nice!

Thank you everyone for suggestions on what kind of carry-on and how to lug all our stuff around. With all of your suggestions I think we've figured it out! (And of course, I'll take any excuse I can get to buy a new bag!! :) )

18 Days until we leave!

2009-05-27T06:28:00.002-04:00

Oooooh buddy! Our weekend proved to be very productive. S did some maintenance on our cars, we drove to NW OH, came back and got to work on rearranging the house. We put up the shelving in H's closet, and sorted through the clothes and washed what needed to be washed. It's surreal folding their little clothes!! And they sure are little! We put the booster seats in the car so they're now out of the living room.

This week I'm bringing home my things from school; I'm not sure where I'll put it all yet though. I still have to paint the last bookshelf for the living room. There will be no shortage of books in this house!

Our travel phone call is on Friday. We're putting together what luggage we'll take, so that we can start packing and weighing. Suggestions on where to put the laptop/camcorder/camera are welcome...we don't know if we should get a laptop bag and put the other 2 in another carryon, or if we should look for a bag that is a carryon/laptop/clothes/camera all in one deal. (we've never flown with this much "technology" before. ;)

God's Grace

2009-05-22T10:18:00.002-04:00

The past few weeks have been very, very hectic. S has been working "out of town" (the term they use when working outside of the metro area) and has been leaving at 5 am and returning around 6. School is wrapping up for the year, and that means report cards, assessments, paperwork, and packing up a classroom. Add to that the flying around we've been doing to get our plane tickets, visas, and adoption paperwork, accumulating furniture and clothes and toys, and it could be a recipe for disaster.

But it hasn't been. I've watched both of us accept the tasks with patience that must only come from God...because there's no way we could do all this on our own. The past 2 1/2 weeks I've felt peace in the midst of the whirlwind. Yes, there have been some tears in the middle of it all, but even then, I knew that the Lord is in control.

So as I think about it today ...I can begin to see the "joy" that comes from trials.

Visas sent off for!

2009-05-21T06:10:00.002-04:00

After hurrying around downtown to get certifications and apostilles Monday, copying everything on Tuesday, we were able to send off for our visas yesterday. Now we need to send some paperwork to CHI to prepare for Colombia. Our appointment at Children's is on Friday, we're driving to see S's family on Saturday, Sunday we're finishing H's closet, putting the newly received dressers in bedrooms, sorting through kids clothing and building a shed for the backyard. Monday we're probably still working on the shed and organizing clothes, toys, books and furniture in the house.

Okay I'll see about the pictures :)

2009-05-16T18:08:00.002-04:00

I don't know when we're allowed to post them! So I'll find out.

Plane Tickets

2009-05-14T21:14:00.002-04:00

We bought our plane tickets today, and all of the paperwork on the kids came! With new pictures!!! Oh they are so beautiful! Of course they look older since the first picture, which is from at least 18 months ago. We're figuring out where we'll be staying in Bogota as well. It's just all so exciting and it feels so good to finally be at this point.

We meet our kids on June 16th!!!

2009-05-13T19:05:00.002-04:00

We plan to fly down to Bogota on June 14th. We've been working on getting our plane tickets purchased, and then we'll be able to send off for our visas. We're finishing up the kids' rooms, and all the other odds and ends home things that need to get done. It feels so absolutely wonderful to finally be at this place in the adoption! We will meet with a Doctor at the International Adoption Clinic at our Children's Hospital next week to go over what first aid to take, the medical info we have on the kids, and what we need to get ready to do for medicals once we return.

It's so exciting!!!!!!!!

Yard Sale Season

2009-05-09T16:56:00.004-04:00

I headed out to shop the yard sales this morning. There was a neighborhood yard sale going on, and I was hoping to find some clothes for the kids. I was able to find clothes for H and E and a booster seat that I REALLY wanted.

It's foam, so it's really easy to clean, lightweight, and sticks to the chair by friction.

Our Darlings...

2009-05-07T17:51:00.005-04:00

...are H 10, S 7, N 6, E3 (on Sun.) (girl, boy, boy, boy) I know I had everyone on the edge of their seat, but it's been a crazy week. We received the referral, but were having a little trouble coming up with a travel date due to S's job. We got that straightened out, but were still waiting on the detailed info on the kids. Finally, last night we were able to send our letter of acceptance. Oh, in the meantime, my sister graduated from college last weekend. So it's been a fun-filled week!

Anyway, more about the kids. Oh, they are so cute! Of course we've had a picture of them now since August, since they were on the agency's waiting list, but to actually be able to say that they are our daughter and son and son and son is just fantastic! They are from Bogota, and we're hoping to travel the weekend of June 13th.

We've received some clothing from friends, which is such a blessing. The children are all pretty small for their age, but we think we've got their sizes figured out.

More to come soon!

The call and email we've been waiting for!

2009-04-29T20:00:00.002-04:00

It came yesterday! Our official referral!!

Oh the beautiful sunshine!

2009-04-24T15:21:00.002-04:00

I seriously miss my Florida sunshine. So when we get it here in Ohio, I just soak it up! The 4th graders finished their state achievement tests today, so when my testing group finished early, I took them outside for a little "recess makeup" (some of them missed it due to taking the test ALL day long) Oh it was glorious! Bright blue sky, sun and a stiff breeze made for a wonderful 80 degree day!

Tonight we're going to a baseball game in the brand new baseball stadium. It's a lot smaller than usual, but it has that small, heritagey feel. (heritagey is a new word :0 )

Ahhhh, sunshine!

Dairy Queen

2009-04-22T05:44:00.002-04:00

Last Friday was a beautiful sunny, mildy warm day. I needed to get my classroom ready for the achievement test and didn't want to tackle it by myself. It's easier to hang paper over all the posters and charts and things if I have help. So I asked one of my 4th graders if she wanted to stay and help me. Of course she wanted to, and we asked her mom at dismissal.

This girl is so sweet. She helped me for about 45 minutes and then I asked if she wanted to go to Dairy Queen. She was so excited! So we called her mom to make sure and then we went. We sat and talked and then i took her back home. It was fun, and the whole time I kept thinking..soon I will have a daughter.

So I'm trying...

2009-04-17T16:48:00.002-04:00

not to count the days since we heard that our dossier was approved...really trying. But another week down, and nothing. Maybe next week? Next week will be the fifth week after.

Sneaky Chef Cookies

2009-04-08T10:40:00.005-04:00

I finally decided to make this recipe with the "purple puree". I've held off since a whole year ago because I didn't want to take the time to make the puree first. But since it's spring break I decided to go for it!

Her recipe calls for 3 c fresh spinach, but since I only had frozen spinach, I used 1 c of that instead. I also added some of S's whey protein to the flour mix. (Since these cookies are for him anyway)

They turned out pretty good. They aren't something where I'd say, "Wow! These are delicious!" but they're nutrient-rich cookies that will be great for breakfast.

Power Breakfast Cookies
by Missy Chase Lapine

Makes 18 cookies
1 large egg
6 tablespoons walnut, almond, or canola oil
6 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3⁄4 cup Purple Puree (see Make-Ahead, below)
11⁄4 cup Flour Blend (see Make-Ahead Recipe, below)
1⁄2 teaspoon baking soda
1⁄2 teaspoon salt
1⁄4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 tablespoons Ground Walnuts
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Powdered sugar, for dusting
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper (or spray with oil).
In a large bowl, whisk together the egg, oil, brown sugar, vanilla, and Purple Puree. In another large bowl, whisk together the Flour Blend, baking soda, salt, cocoa powder, ground walnuts, and cinnamon. Add the dry ingredients to the wet and mix just enough to moisten the dry ingredients. Drop large tablespoonfuls of batter onto the baking sheets, leaving about an inch between each cookie. Flatten the cookies with the back of a fork. Bake 12 to 14 minutes, until lightly browned around the edges.
Remove from the pan and let cool on a rack. Dust with a little powdered sugar and serve!

Flour Blend Make-Ahead Recipe
1 cup all-purpose, unbleached white flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup wheat germ, unsweetened
Makes 3 cups of flour blend

Combine the flours and wheat germ in a large bowl.
This blend can be stored in a sealed, labeled plastic bag or container in the refrigerator for up to 3 months.

Purple Puree Make-Ahead Recipe
3 cups raw baby spinach leaves
11⁄2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries, no syrup or sugar added
1⁄2 teaspoon lemon juice
1 to 2 tablespoons water

Makes about 1 cup of puree
Thoroughly wash the spinach, even if the package says “prewashed.” If using frozen blueberries, quickly rinse them under cold water to thaw a little, and then drain.
Fill the bowl of your food processor with the spinach, blueberries, lemon juice, and 1 tablespoon of water; puree on high until as smooth as possible. Stop occasionally to push the contents to the bottom. If necessary, use another tablespoon of water to smooth-out the puree.
This recipe makes about 1 cup of puree; double it if you want to store another cup. It will keep in the refrigerator up to 3 days, or you can freeze 1⁄4-cup portions in sealed plastic bags or small plastic containers.

From http://www.education.com/magazine/column/entry/Power_Breakfast_Cookies/

Spring Break!

2009-04-03T19:07:00.004-04:00

Let the rest-of-the-school-year-planning and house-prep-for-children begin! I need to make a list of what needs to be accomplished this week:

1. closet organizer in "green" room
2. closet organizer in front hall closet
3. find dressers for the kids...I guess they do need somewhere to put their clothes
4. toy storage
5.plan for the rest of the year and plan plans for a sub...if I end up needing one (there's that planning for planning again. ;)
6. Maybe organize the basement (yuck...it has spideys)
7. plant some peas and spinach

So here's a funny tidbit. I was at Target the other day and saw those dollar bins. They had rubber squish balls there. I thought "Hey these would be great, packable, light toys to take"...and then I procedeed to only buy two. "Hello!! You're going to have four children!

Oh, and someone is coming to look at our Jeep for sale. Please pray that it sells soon!

Untitled

2009-03-27T07:34:00.002-04:00

Lover passed away yesterday. My mom and I had both gone to the hospital right after work to be with her. Other family had visited throughout the day, and I don't think she was ever alone her last hours. On Wednesday, nearly all the family was there in the evening to be with her. I was able to tell her that she was finally going to be a great-grandma. I have looked forward to telling her that for years now; and in fact, the last true conversation I had with her a week or so before she went in the hospital, was about how she was excited for us and she knew we'd been waiting for a long time to become parents.

Even though she couldn't see them, I took the pictures with me yesterday to show her the pictures of the kids; trusting in faith that we would indeed be matched with them.

I love you, Lover and will miss you.

:) Guess what? ;)

2009-03-24T18:28:00.003-04:00

We just found out today that our dossier is APPROVED!!!!!! It's being sent to the Bogota office where they'll get updated info on the kids we've requested and hopefully match us with them!!

Back in the hospital

2009-03-23T18:37:00.003-04:00

My grandma was discharged on Thursday, but was again taken to the ER today with congestive heart failure. Since she has more advanced dementia, it's hard to know if the last time I see her will be the last time she remembers who I am, or if she really remembers who I am and just knows she recognizes me.

I guess that's all I have to say...I continue to pray for our children and their future life with us and that I will continue to honor God with my life; amidst the pain of waiting for our kids and knowing Lover is most likely not going to be with us for very long.

"count it all joy when you have various trials, for the trying of your faith works patience..."

UnBeef Stroganoff

2009-03-19T20:04:00.002-04:00

I've recently tried out some ground turkey from Aldi. It's super cheap at about 1.25 a pound or something. I used it in tacos....and it made for a more tender taco meat. Tonight, I used it in Beef Stroganoff...but I guess I can't call it "Beef" anymore! It had a little different flavor of course, but was still very good.

But it's all top secret! None of the people eating knew! ( tee hee hee).

In other news, there is no news. :( I am now shamelessly checking my email every time my groups switch at school. I don't even know if the "you're approved" notice will come by email!

Lover

2009-03-17T17:16:00.002-04:00

That's what I've called my grandma since I can remember. It came about because she'd call me up on the phone and say "Hello little lover" and I'd reply back "Hi Lover". I was probably 3 or something. As I got older, it's what all of my brothers and sisters call her. Now to some, it might sound odd, but to us it is her name.

Sadly, Lover was admitted to the hospital last Friday with breathing problems. They've since found out that her heart is having great difficulty.

We don't know if she's put her trust in Jesus or not, so it makes it all the more difficult.

Pilin' it up!

2009-03-13T16:14:00.004-04:00

No, not because I think there's going to be a "run" on toilet paper anytime soon. But, I figure in the first month we're home with the kids we may go through at least a roll of tp a day...30 rolls in a month is a lot more tp than now!! I'm buying it now (some of it was free with coupons!) so that i can hopefully keep buying it on sale and not pay $$$ cause we have a tp shortage! I'm doing that with bandaids, shampoo, toothpaste, soap and anything else I think we'll use a lot more of. It's so fun!

My Momma taught me well!

Greening

2009-03-11T19:43:00.002-04:00

My most favorite moment of the late winter is the day the greening starts. At first, when you look out over the grassy yard or playground the grass is just a dull, lifeless, snow-trampled, sickly almond colored brown. But wait? Is that a fleck of green I see? The next day, there are more flecks of green. Right now, there's enough green showing that the green flourescence is just a few days away. Soon the yards will look so green that they'll nearly look fake. I love it!

I emailed CHI yesterday because I just couldn't stand it anymore. We didn't learn anything new about our paperwork, only the timeframe that it falls into. According to that, ICBF should be reviewing our dossier here within the next month. My only question is, since they've already looked at it, does that mean they'll make a decision sooner since they have already looked at it?

A small connection

2009-03-06T21:13:00.003-05:00

So as I've been having trouble with the wait this week, I realized that with the warmer temps today and this weekend, they could be near what it's like in Colombia. So I decided to check it out. Weather.com had "mytown" Ohio at 55 with 88% humidity. Bogota had...55 with 88% humidity! Wait, can that be right? I click "back" and "forward" to check if the page reloads with different numbers. Nope! We have the same weather as our kids!! Yeah, I may be a little too excited about it, but it's a connection...and right now I'll take anything. :)

I can hardly stand the wait...

2009-03-03T21:16:00.001-05:00

I wanna go to Colombia!!

Wikki Stix

2009-02-25T16:48:00.002-05:00

How did I not know about these things??? The girls were talking about them at lunch one day, saying how they're great for having the kids make the letter formations with them and then they have something tactile they can trace with their finger. And of course it's fun to do it.

I looked them up today. They are awesome! And they're totally going to Colombia with us.

Evidently they are wax covered pieces of string. They stick to nearly everything, and come off without a problem. So one can make all sorts of 3 D things with them.

So cool!

Addendum on its way to Colombia!!!

2009-02-23T16:55:00.002-05:00

Yes! Awesome! Superb! Fantastic!

We got an email that our addendum was mailed today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Addendum Mailed

2009-02-21T09:41:00.004-05:00

We were finally able to get our addendum mailed to CHI yesterday. It's been a week of running around with it though. Tuesday I realized that when I gave the psychologist the CHI address, I didn't specify that he needed to mail it to us so we could get it apostilled. So I called. They said they would mail it. Well, that wouldn't give us time to receive it this week and get it mailed off again. So I went to pick it up on Wednesday.

Thursday I headed downtown to certify and apostille and mail it. But, I ended up taking a wrong turn, which put me headed on one way streets back out of downtown. After driving around for 25 minutes trying to get back to the parking garage (downtown disables L or R turns after 4 pm to empty the area...very frustrating) I finally got there only to realize that my car may be too tall to enter the parking garage! I went home.

Friday, S called and said, wonder of wonders, he was working at the courthouse! Right where we needed to go! We got it certified and apostilled in record time for a downtown jaunt, and mailed off. (we measured the car prior and it fits, with 4 inches to spare.)

Now hopefully we only have to do that one more time for our updated medical letter and fingerprints!!

Yes!

2009-02-14T16:09:00.000-05:00

Our psychologist will have our letter ready by the beginning of next week! Yay!!

Wishin' and Hopin'....

2009-02-14T09:43:00.003-05:00

seem to be 2 things I frequently do! We're still waiting for the letter from the psychologist. I had been hoping to have everything sent by yesterday (Friday) but now I'm hoping to have it all sent by the end of NEXT week. All in all, 2 weeks is a pretty realistic timetable of getting an addendum sent back in. Will I be disappointed if it's not sent in by next Friday? Probably a little bit, but then I'll set my sights on the week after that.

I realized yesterday that I have had over 150 weeks of hoping week by week. So hey, what's another week? Oh, and it only takes 3 weeks to build a habit...so I guess I'm in the habit of hoping!

On a completely different topic, yesterday marked my 6th year participating in Valentine's Day School Parties. I LOVE IT! Maybe it's because I love pink so much, or my happy memories of those parties, but I love how excited the kids get too. And, I love the little thoughful valentines some of the kids make! One of my students made me a Valentine Bag...complete with my first name on the front...in cut out bubble letters. Quite skillful! I proudly used it...and insisted everyone still had to call me Mrs. D, while dispelling rumors that I had "real name". (As if the one they call me is fake!!? Gotta love overgeneralizations)

It suddenly struck me yesterday though, that my days with these students will probably be ending soon. And I got a little sad. Especially since I heard these remarks yesterday: " I just love coming to your class and learning all about writing! During recess I was thinking about how I could add some more details to my article." During outside recess!!! What more could a teacher ask for?

Oh, and one day I'm going to write a book about all the kid misconceptions I've heard over the years...starting with the one from yesterday:

me: What do you think you know about butterflies?
boy: They suck your blood!
me: Laughing...Oh really? Lets add that to our "think we know" list. ;0

Figured out

2009-02-09T20:47:00.003-05:00

Well, we think it's figured out. Our psych report mentioned children up to 7. So we're going to write a letter explaining our decision to go from 2 under 7 years to 4 under 11 years. Then the psychologist is going to need to write an addendum. Thanfully, he's local, really nice and SPEEDY!! :)

So hopefully we can get this all sent out by the end of the week. I was a little worried today as the emails were flyin', but all seems to be in order.

Time to fess up...

2009-02-07T10:04:00.004-05:00

I haven't said anything about this because, well, giving voice (words) to hopes can be scary if they don't materialize. There's something about writing things down...anyway, in August 2008, we sent a letter to ICBF requesting a sibling group of 4 we saw on the waiting list. The oldest turned 10, so not only did our homestudy need to be changed to to show approval for 4 (the couple month long saga) it also needed to have the age range raised to include her age. That was the impetus in suddenly having our homestudy updated. (Though not surprising, because it's what we've desired since the start.)

Currently, our homestudy approves us for 4 children ages 0-11. Somewhere, there was something that stated we previously were intending to adopt children up to age 7, so ICBF wants to see the preparation and how we came to the decision to go older. I am worried they'll think we haven't done enough.

Since August we've been thinking about these 4 little children, but as of yet, haven't heard if they still need a home. So we wait with great expectation, and continually pray for the Lord's will in our life and these kids' life. With the closing of our homestudy agency looming, it's very easy for me to start worrying about how long the requested info could take and the problems that could arise.

God has been in control, is in control, and will be in control.

So that's the story. :) If you get the noticiero and keep the old ones, I'm sure you'll figure it out. ;) Unfortunately everyone else will have to wait until it's official and we can post pictures....unless you come over to our house.

Colombia wants more info for our file

2009-02-06T20:35:00.004-05:00

so we're gonna get right on that. Evidently there wasn't enough about our decision to move the upper age from 7 to 11 years.

But it was exciting to hear that they're actually reading our paperwork now!!! Our dossier was mailed Dec. 17th, so it probably wasn't even given to a translator until Jan. 1 or so at the end of the Colombian holidays.

I hope hope hope hope we can get the addendum sent mas rapido! Mas prisa, menos hablar! Arriba, arriba!

Reason #9 why I"m praying we're in Colombia by April

2009-01-30T16:14:00.004-05:00

Our homestudy agency is closing!!!!!

Good grief, I never figured we'd be on the hunt for a 3rd agency...

I haven't said anything about the other reasons, so here they are (not in any order):

1. Brother's college graduation
2. Sister's college graduation
3. Sister's high school graduation
4. Sister's grand finale theater production
5. Birth of friends' baby
6. Wedding in May
7. Cousin's wedding beginning of June (visit Grandma too...a 2-3x a year occurance)
8. Cuz we want to be with our kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. Homestudy agency closing end of April

All of these things are important events I'd really like to be a part of. I know it's in God's hands, and has always been, and that's where I need to keep it.

I feel selfish praying for what I want- to travel to Colombia in March. I also know it's getting kinda close for that to even happen.

The Lord knows, has his plan, and I'm just going to rest in that!! (But I'm steeeel gonna hope! ;)