Out of nowhere

It's now been 4 months since we went to Colombia. It sure doesn't seem like 4 months. I think the end of summer months/beginning of fall months go faster than the winter/ beginning of spring ones.

I started back to work 4 weeks ago. It was torture and still is hard. But while I was at home after returning from Colombia and working through my feelings and where my will was in relation to God's, I learned that the only way I'd be able to move through "this" was to actually set aside time to think on what's happened. So now, I've been practicing "turning off school" when I get in the car to go home. It was really difficult at first because the past 6 years I haven't done that. But I MUST do that now. Otherwise the weeked rolls around and I'm left in a very bad state. And that makes the weekend and next week even worse.

The moments of intese debilitating grief are lessening, but they do come out of nowhere. One of the many things we learned about adoption was that many things can trigger grief, anger, or reliving a bad situation. I didn't ever really know exactly what that meant, until now. Now I understand how birthdays, holidays are rough on children. I understand how a small comment no one else even notices triggers unrational rage inside. Going to the grocery store and seeing or hearing a child that sounds like H, S, N or E makes me freeze up and relive whatever memory of the kids I have at that moment.

I do miss them. Sometimes i stop for a minute while washing the dishes and imagine what the house would have sounded like with them there with me.

Tough

I went back to work on Monday. It. was. hard. I cried more than not. I didn't think that would really happen...me crying so much, but it did. Tuesday was slightly better, and today was slightly better. I continually pray all day long for the Lord to give me courage. I switch schools in the middle of the day, and yesterday I was sorely tempted to just go home when I got in my car. I won't go into why it's so hard, but it has to do with the sheer amount of people that have to operate smoothly in a (now) time crunch. (The district has restriced building hours to 1 hour before and one hour after school, severely limiting many teachers' ability to prepare.)

This morning I had to go over to my previous school from last year, PL to get files and books I'd left there not thinking I'd need. The minute I entered the neighborhood, I started crying and was crying the whole time I was there. I love that staff. I really do. They are all so kind and caring. I wished with all my heart I could be back at "my" school. In my head I kept telling God that I'd "do this" if I could just be back at PL. But I don't think that's where He wants me. He would have put me there if He did.

One of my students looks exactly like H. I kept looking and looking at her because it's so uncanny. Then I started to get all choked up thinking about pushing her on the swing, playing finchas with her, talking with her....It doesn't take much at all and suddenly I'm watching those days in Colombia play out in front of me like it's a veil over the rest of the world.

I struggle every day with saying yes to the Lord and trusting Him. Yesterday, I didn't want to at all. I just wanted to tell God that I'm "done" and that I won't be at work, won't be at church and just cocoon or something. But I always come back to God is good and He has redeemed this and really, what would I do or be without Him?

Why "God's plan" is often not comforting

That sounds harsh, doesn't it? But it's true, for me anyway. Oh, I'm sure it has roots in pride, somewhere, but if I look deep it's something else entirely: FEAR.

So why is being told, "God has a plan" not comforting? Because after experiencing this pain, there is no guarantee that God's plan will be void of more pain. It very well indeed could include more pain and more suffering. And the Bible even says that is what we should expect, and that we should count it all joy. Being told that the Lord will bless us carries the same feelings. Blessing from the Lord are not the "easy life" we are often fooled into thinking they are.

It could be that a blessing the Lord gives us is a deepened empathy for others experiencing pain. So from a selfish stanpoint, that's not comforting because it doesn't really benefit me. Maybe the blessing is the opportunity to minister to others because we aren't ministering to our children. Well, I can't see (with my human limitations) how that is a blessing when the Bible talks about children being a blessing! I want the latter one!

What carries me through right now is thinking about how God is worthy of my trust. It gets me through the next moment and the next, and the next. Thinking about what the "plan" might be only sabatoges my fragile emotions and ability to trust.

So for anyone who is wondering, God IS worthy of our trust. This pain has already been redeemed through God sacrificing his son for us. It's hard for me to wrap my head around, but it's a soft whisper to my battered soul. This pain has been redeemed and this struggle is not for naught; it points to God, the redeemer.

Spanish books and cool websites

I just have to share these websites. The first one is the International Childrens' Digital Library. This site has digital versions of books. The super cool thing is that you can search for books in all kinds of languages!! There are tons in Spanish! It's difficult to find Spanish children's books for a decent price, so this is really cool! The website is set up well and easy to navigate.

The other website is a list of literacy games and other such things that include activities in Spanish. GameGoo is by Earobics, a program my school district uses. The main page is a new bilingual publisher I guess.

http://www.bilingualreaders.com/resources/just-for-kids/

It hurts when the neighbor kids ask what we're going to do with the toys.
It hurts when people go on to question why we weren't the right parents and say it must have been because there were 4.
It hurts when someone asks us we don't just "have our own."
Most of all it hurts because they were our own, but only for 10 days.

And right now it hurts because it's my birthday, and they aren't here to share it with me.

Not really reinstated after all....

Well, I got a call today and the director said there may be a problem. So he's going to call back Monday.