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This week has been rough. I was getting in my car yesterday when I realized I needed to scrape my windshield. It's that time of the year in Ohio when you don't know if you'll need a T-shirt or an ice scraper. Anyway, yesterday I needed an ice scraper. But all the seats were down in the back of my truck, and the scraper was stuck under them. As much as I lugged at the seats, I couldn't get them up.

There are so many things in life I can't do anything about. And sitting, waiting for them to work themselves out gets me so frustrated, angry, or even livid. I drove to work with clenched teeth saying, "I won't let this dictate my emotional regulation. Nope. Nope" (yes, I did say emotional regulation to myself...)

Yesterday was also one of the ninos' birthdays. Those days are always rough.

I made it through though. Maybe not as gracefully or as regulated as I would have liked, but that's the case sometimes.

And now I eat my coconut M&Ms.

Thoughts on the pregnancy

I stopped expecting what pregnancy would be a like a long time ago. Because of that, it's been kinda nice to take things as they come. However, a little expectation of how sick I'd be might have been helpful. I've had pretty bad nausea. My sister kept telling me to ask my Doctor for zofran, but I thought, "Hey, most people throw up this often, right?" Apparently not. After about 4 weeks of that awfulness, zofran at least reduced the frequency. And I've had a cold 3 times and am on my second round of antibiotics. The past 15 weeks have wiped me out. Sometimes it can be frustrating to hear someone say, "It's all for a good cause," or something like that when they're the ones that asked how I'm doing! Ok, vent over I guess.

We find out in 5 weeks the gender. Neither of us as any idea if the baby is a boy or girl, and we don't have a preference. We are just so grateful that God is giving us a child.

I continue to process the grief I have regarding the ninos, and how it runs alongside being pregnant. I still think of them every day and pray for them. I still have most of their things here in the house, and still feel that I can't get rid of them. I've given some things away, but most of it is still as it was, ready for them to come home to. I'll have to do something with H's clothes since that's where the baby's room will be. But I think that is the hardest part for me to tackle emotionally. While there's room in my heart to love her and our baby, moving her things out still seems a little like betrayal. She was so excited about her room...

So that's what I've been pondering lately.

We're having a baby in July

I truly thought that would be something I'd never be able to say. The past weeks have been filled with wonder, disbelief, excitement and peace.

When we began the adoption, I began to work on my expectations of life. Like lots of little girls, I grew up dreaming of the day I'd get married and have children. When that didn't turn out like I expected, it was rough. The struggle with infertility lasted a while. We made a decision that, unknown to us at the time, would change our lives forever. We decided to build our family through adoption.

When that didn't work out, and our hearts were crushed, full of love for the four children we'd been Mami and Papi to for such a short time, I didn't know if I would survive. Most of the time, I didn't think I would.

It's been 2 1/2 years since that awful day we said goodbye. In these 2 1/2 years, my belief of who God is, who He created me to be, and my role in His kingdom has radically changed.

Grief has changed me.

Being a childless mother has changed me.

Trusting God in the middle of hellish circumstances has changed me.


When we first discovered we were going to have a baby, I was in complete disbelief. "Not me," I'd think, "I don't get pregnant."The reality of Gods great grace and mercy hit me hard. There was no way I deserved this. So many times I'd doubted Him. So many times I'd been unwilling to open my hands and trust Him in the middle of my pain.

And that is the wonder of God's grace. We don't deserve it. And yet He still gives good things to His children. For His glory.

All Glory be to God in the Highest!

Acceptance

It's strange how a big change in my job could have such an impact on my grief. But it has. Being back at a school with people I love dearly and who care about me, has greatly impacted my grieving. In a good way. I've at numerous interactions with my students that have forced me to confront my fears left over from parenting, and I now wholly believe I can be a good mom. The lies that my brain and the trauma encouraged have been "beat down" through experience.

And of course our church family. Being part of a church family who seeks to integrate suffering into the life of believers has been redeeming. No longer do I sit and feel like my suffering is something I should be "gettting over" because God has something better for me. Now I fully know that this suffering has been part of His Good story. I'm part of His story. Not the other way around.

I'm learning to accept the life that the Lord gives us, and it has been a time of peace.

Sad, Mad, Bad: And me

First of all, I would like to say exactly what's on my mind. There are no words except these:

Life can be really shitty.

There. I said it.

My students at school live lives that make my soul hurt. They make me hurt for the four ninos. The lives they have and can't control make me so angry. The frustration that wells up inside of me, frustration that the adoption didn't turn out differently; we so wanted it too. With all of our beings. Seeing the response from kids at school that I wanted to see before. Embracing a child after they've been through discipline and are repentant. Feeling the joy of renewal and connection. I wanted that so badly with my children.

I rejoice that my students experience it. Yet I'm torn between the deep longing it brings for the ninos, and the joy I have with my students.

They kingdom come Lord, on earth. In my life, in my classroom, in every interaction I have. Because only You make this worth it.

Grief Ambushes and Kindergarten

Grief certainly is a companion one can't predict. It springs up in odd places and at seemingly random times. But I can't ever predict which factor will set it off, now over two years later. But the past three weeks have had overflowing grief. I am so thankful we attend a church where this is embraced as part of our humanity.

H turned 13 last Friday. That was really rough; is really rough. E should be starting kindergarten, and I'm teaching kindergarten for the first time. Lots of areas for grief to well up.

In terms of kindergarten, I feel strangely at peace about it. Strange because I assumed I'd be pretty nervous and am not nearly so as much as I thought I'd be. And the peace part is certainly different from what I've experienced in my job before. I don't think I could ever say I was at peace when school started. Which is strange too.

These kindergarteners are going to crack me up.  The first one I met announced, "I knew it! I knew you'd be pretty!"

Thanks for making my evening, little one!