As the months have gone by, I've still been overcome with disbelief and gratitude that the Lord is giving us a child. For so much of it, I really don't have the words to communicate what I feel. We are so humbled that the Lord is giving us a child after all the angst with infertility. All the waiting and frustrations with adoption paperwork, all the turmoil during the time with the kids, and the anger after we came home without them. It's certainly shown me that God doesn't work like people work. He doesn't give good things based on some kind of "goodness" we show, or a ratio of "good to bad."
His mercy and grace are pure and true. His plan is to redeem his creation. Somehow, we are part of that. We suffer pain and begin to see glimpses of the suffering of Christ. Our ability to see needs of people around us expands. The extent to which I believe God is good has grown with the extent of my pain and grief. And now, it grows with the magnitude of God's gift of a child while I am yet undeserving of such grace.
The rest of our life right now is not roses and blossoms. Things are quite topsy turvy, and stressful without the addition of a little baby. And yet, somehow-through God's grace, we are able to bear them. The acceptance part of grief has played a part I think. For so long, i fought and fought and fought. I'd think, "This can't be the life God has for me today. It just couldn't be, because I can't handle it." (the verse about God not tempting us beyond what we can bear will forever remain a mystery to me- what it actually entails and how it works out..)
And then after a long, long time, acceptance begins to make it's way in. In my case, it was a spiritual battle and a cerebral one. And over time, it seemed to surge and encompass more than just accepting that the four kids weren't to be a physical part of our life.
This acceptance certainly isn't magical. It certainly doesn't happen every single time we're faced with a situation we wish was going a different way. But in looking back on the past three years, we see the Lord's protection and love. Kinda like the blind man in Mark's Gospel that sees trees at first, and when Jesus touches him again, his sight is restored.
I am so excited about holding our son. So very excited!