Sunday, May 25, 2008

Reflection

Since it's the end of the school year, I've been reflecting a little bit on the year. For me, the year starts when summer begins I guess. It's a time for renewal. :) So my "resolutions" begin when summer begins. So it's a natural time to reflect.

I've been thinking about how far my students have come this year. I only wish I could tell everything that's happened and how they've grown. It's amazing to see their little minds mature little by little. My 4th graders I've now had for 4 years. I know them very well now and it's incredible to what they've learned. What's really neat is to see the boys. They start school caring little about "school". They're active, antsy, and talkative. Year by year goes by and they begin to soak up more and more.

Ok, so that was school in a nutshell. On to our personal life. The beginning of summer last year kicked off a year of mishaps, and an avalanche of tears. We applied to CHI and started the adoption. Then our bank account was drained as someone "stole our identity". I think it was the TJ Max security breach, or else someone that sold my debit card info. The Lord was faithful and it was resolved.

Then August. S had a cab panel fall on his wrist and sever 2 tendons. That started off a 10 month onslaught of dr. visits. He did decide to have it repaired. The surgery was successful and the day of his last checkup to sign off on full duty at work again S was in the car accident.

Now, this being the 4th major blow, we were emotionally spent. We had just started to come to terms with the adoption taking longer due to only being approved for 2 siblings because of finances. Now it seemed like it would be forever away. Anything we were saving now had to pay the medical bills for the accident.

I have to say that those winter months were brutal. Life was NOT happy for us. I was frustrated about the adoption taking longer, mad that the Lord was allowing this pain in our life, hurting for the pain S was in, tired of the constant battle for happiness when things seemed so bleak, and of course desperately wanting the sun to shine.

About this time too, the Holy Spirit was working on me. I was having these thoughts of "maybe my whole mindset is wrong". You see, I refused to acknowledge the possibility that we might never have children. Absolutely refused. But I was sitting in Sunday School one day and realized that this refusal to acknowledge it was my attempt to control this little thing that I thought I had control over. Kinda like a kid who refuses to eat something because it's one of the few things they can control. I figured if I didn't acknowledge this thought it would never materialize AND I wouldn't have to confront the biggest fear of my life. (Actually it ties with the biggest fear of my life: losing S. But I'd already had to confront that, albeit momentarily, when he had his accident.) But of course, if I'm giving my life over to the Lord, I have to rejoice in His plan for my life. Even if it means never having children. The thought nearly brings me to tears even now. Deny myself and follow Jesus. To deny oneself is HARD!! and boy did the tears and anger flow when I was wrestling with this. But the more I gave it to the Lord, that fear was slowly replaced by peace. Little by little.

And now it's May. We still don't know when we'll be able to settle the insurance claim for the accident, and don't know when our finances will be to the point where we'll be approved for 3 or 4 siblings. But I praise the Lord for what He's brought us through and given us the strength to endure. I also praise the Lord for a husband who is committed to following the Lord in the midst of adversity.

While I can't say that these things have made me happy, I can say that I continue to learn the joy that comes from trusting the Lord.

Count it all joy when you have trials, for the trying of your faith works patience....and if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God....for he that wavers is like a wave of the sea, driven with the wind and tossed.

1 comment:

Rick & Genece said...

Oh my goodness! I had no idea you were facing such struggles, each dealing a harder blow than the one you were recovering from. WOW, I really wondered what was going on but had no idea that much was coming at you! I am so thankful you are finding peace and at a place where you can seek out God's will for your family. I'll now pray a more specific prayer on behalf of your family. May you find answers in the days to come. Praying for blessings sent from above. Keep the faith and God bless!
Genece