Sunday, April 24, 2011

"Did I really say that?"

I have been reflecting on my last post, and another one quite a while ago. Both of them make me go, "Did I really say that to the whole wide world?" And my immediate reaction is a flood of shame. The world is now aware of how deep my sin goes.

And upon further reflection, my decision is, that is a good thing.

It is good for me to see how deep my sin goes. Because then I can see my dire need for redemption, for grace, and for God's mercy to be given. I have discovered, that when I try to hide or modify others' perception of me in light of my sinfulness, I don't truly have a deep gratitude for the redemptive work Jesus has done. I do not have humility.

So if any of you reading this thought "Wow, that girl is a selfish whiner, " you're right. I am. The reference to the woman who lost her daughter was referring to someone I've never met (as if that makes it somehow "less" bad...it doesn't".  Basically, I was struggling one day with how long our affliction has lasted. I longed to feel community with someone else who's struggled like we have, to see how someone else has handled the grief and stress and shame and guilt. And initially I thought I'd found it. And then when I read about the healing that came from them expecting another child, I kinda lost it.

I was really angry with God for not giving me what I want. The clay telling the potter what to make.

3 comments:

Megan said...

I really appreciate your honesty. God's grace for our sin is so beautiful and it is hard to appreciate it when we are pretending we aren't that bad.

My husband and I often reflect together that deep loss has brought out in us our most polished and perfected sins (anger, resentment, pride, selfishness). At one time in our lives we could make these things look acceptable or easily cover them up and cope with them without the need for our Savior, even within the Church. Deep sorrow and loss revealed these sins within our hearts and showed us a merciful and loving Savior who has been our "all-in-all".

At times I have wished (longed, craved, desired!) that we could have "something good" to sooth the constant pain here at home, but God has been so gracious to give us Himself in that place.

Thank you again, for sharing your journey. I am blessed to read along.

R.B. said...

HI, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine what that kind of pain would be like. I follow a blog ..the lady who writes it lost many babies. www.stephaniecherry.com

God Bless you, you are in my thoughts and prayers

Don Reynolds said...

Should we ever ask God for special favors? God is our servant instead of the other way around?

If we ask once, should we repeat the prayer at a later date as if God is either deaf or forgetful? Shouldn't once be enough?

And while I'm here, I also think it odd to say that Jesus was God and also to believe at the same time that God commanded us to have no other Gods before Him.

If He's any good, it shouldn't be necessary to have any more anyhow.