Friday, October 16, 2009

Out of nowhere

It's now been 4 months since we went to Colombia. It sure doesn't seem like 4 months. I think the end of summer months/beginning of fall months go faster than the winter/ beginning of spring ones.

I started back to work 4 weeks ago. It was torture and still is hard. But while I was at home after returning from Colombia and working through my feelings and where my will was in relation to God's, I learned that the only way I'd be able to move through "this" was to actually set aside time to think on what's happened. So now, I've been practicing "turning off school" when I get in the car to go home. It was really difficult at first because the past 6 years I haven't done that. But I MUST do that now. Otherwise the weeked rolls around and I'm left in a very bad state. And that makes the weekend and next week even worse.

The moments of intese debilitating grief are lessening, but they do come out of nowhere. One of the many things we learned about adoption was that many things can trigger grief, anger, or reliving a bad situation. I didn't ever really know exactly what that meant, until now. Now I understand how birthdays, holidays are rough on children. I understand how a small comment no one else even notices triggers unrational rage inside. Going to the grocery store and seeing or hearing a child that sounds like H, S, N or E makes me freeze up and relive whatever memory of the kids I have at that moment.

I do miss them. Sometimes i stop for a minute while washing the dishes and imagine what the house would have sounded like with them there with me.


kramerfamily said...

Wow, reading this makes me hurt so much for you. I am so sorry for the process you and Shawn are going through. I'm praying for you my friend.

Genece said...

I admire your courage and pray for your comfort and understanding as you move through your situation. Stand by your faith and know that God's love is there, always!
Sending prayers and hugs!

deanna willett said...

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is for you and your family. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

Wendi and Benjamin Wood said... I wish I could hug you and "be there" for you. I cannot even imagine what pain you must be experiencing.

What I do know about grief is that when you share and process thru things you are able to work thru it. I hope and pray that you have found someone that you can confide in and share these most intense feelings with. It is wise not to share with many, because many don't understand... many haven't experienced desires and yearning to be a mother, much less gone and risked so much to have it all taken away in just what seems like moments. I wish I could take all that pain away. I wish I knew what to say to make it ALL better, but there's nothing to say...except I'm here if you need someone to listen, and I'm praying. God, YOUR father, loves YOU and those children more than you can ever imagine... even when we seemed to be devastated by God, and we may want to rebel and run away from him, he is so faithful that even in our hurt, he doesn't leave us. And know too, it's OKAY to have these feelings... it's okay.

I love you (and don't even really know you except thru the blog--isn't it wild how connected you can become?) and pray for you often.

Renee said...

Still praying for you

Anonymous said...

Angela, I am so very sorry for what you are going thru. My husband and I are praying for you. I agree with Wendy that you must have someone to talk to. Please find a friend or counselor that you can share these deep hurts and feelings with.