I went back to work on Monday. It. was. hard. I cried more than not. I didn't think that would really happen...me crying so much, but it did. Tuesday was slightly better, and today was slightly better. I continually pray all day long for the Lord to give me courage. I switch schools in the middle of the day, and yesterday I was sorely tempted to just go home when I got in my car.
This morning I had to go over to my previous school from last year, PL to get files and books I'd left there not thinking I'd need. The minute I entered the neighborhood, I started crying and was crying the whole time I was there. I love that staff. I really do. They are all so kind and caring. I wished with all my heart I could be back at "my" school. In my head I kept telling God that I'd "do this" if I could just be back at PL. But I don't think that's where He wants me. He would have put me there if He did.
One of my students looks exactly like H. I kept looking and looking at her because it's so uncanny. Then I started to get all choked up thinking about pushing her on the swing, playing finchas with her, talking with her....It doesn't take much at all and suddenly I'm watching those days in Colombia play out in front of me like it's a veil over the rest of the world.
I struggle every day with saying yes to the Lord and trusting Him. Yesterday, I didn't want to at all. I just wanted to tell God that I'm "done" and that I won't be at work, won't be at church and just cocoon or something. But I always come back to God is good and He has redeemed this and really, what would I do or be without Him?