It's seeming to really be heavy lately. It's a different sadness than before; the sadness earlier was an angry-sad.
While I know we are healing, it's still hard to look into the future and know this sadness will be with me for the rest of my life. To different degrees of course, but I am forever changed by it.
When we were doing our homestudy and thinking about the "how have you resolved your infertility" question, I remember thinking that my struggle initially started with not being able to be pregnant and give birth, but then became an issue of just being childless.
So not only do I grieve the loss of the 4 children and having them in our life, I'm also dealing with the sadness of being still childless.