I've spent many days feeling very confused. Confused about things that have happened, confused about how to proceed in life, and feeling very confused at these emotions I experience. Here is one example.
I haven't written anything about Colombia, but I want to share one of the most intensely happy moments I have ever felt in my life. It was a moment that I will cherish forever. The kids had seen previews for Aladdin on tv. They were so excited it was on, so we planned to watch it together when it came on at 7 pm. We got all ready for bed and made up the beds on the floor. H turned on the tv, and could hardly wait. E had his bottle and lay on his pillow. I sat down on the floor next to him, and at the same moment, H and S plopped into my lap; S with his head on my lap, and H on my knee. I think we sat like this for almost an hour. My feet were asleep, my legs were asleep, my butt was asleep and quite sore from the hard floor, my back ached, but I was full of joy. This was a moment I'd waited for for so long and I cherished it. I felt like I was doing what every fiber of my being was made to do: be a mother.
And here I am confused. My whole life, I have been learning to make the Lord my source of happiness, and find my joy in Him. So why did that moment make me so happy? For a long while, before the adoption, and once we started it, I prayed that I"d seek the Lord first and find my content in Him. So why do I now feel like that happiness is missing?
We went to eat the other night with our close friends and their baby, W. I love W. I'm able to give him kisses and cuddle him, and cry and heal. This didn't happen suddenly on coming home. It was really hard at first. Bt that night I was holding W with his face against mine, cuddling him, when out of nowhere, that feeling hit me. The feeling of being so happy. And I was confused, very confused. W's not my child. I love him, but he's not my son. And why oh why, did I feel so happy? And why do I feel so sad when he then leaves? or when my neighbors leave? or when we say goodbye to our niece and nephews? It sometimes feels like we're saying goodbye to the kids all over again.