Remembering

The other night I ha a dream. S and I had gone back to Colombia. We were in a room, and someone came in telling us that the children were about to come in. They did, and they were older. Strange how my dream continued them all in their growth. In my dream I was crying as I hugged them-sobbing.

I ponder how we will tell our son about them. I don't want them forgotten.

Our son!

At 1:40 a.m. on June 14th, my water broke.  Our son was born at 2:08 pm at 36w4d-a late pretem baby. He was 9lbs 1 oz and 21 1/2" long.  He is beautiful!

As some of you might notice on the timeline below, the 14th is not the first time we left home as expectant parents. And the 16th isn't the first time we came home as new parents.

God's redemptive work.  I pray for all 5 of the children I love that they will know the fullness of God's love.

One month 'til baby

As the months have gone by, I've still been overcome with disbelief and gratitude that the Lord is giving us a child. For so much of it, I really don't have the words to communicate what I feel. We are so humbled that the Lord is giving us a child after all the angst with infertility. All the waiting and frustrations with adoption paperwork, all the turmoil during the time with the kids, and the anger after we came home without them. It's certainly shown me that God doesn't work like people work. He doesn't give good things based on some kind of "goodness" we show, or a ratio of "good to bad."

His mercy and grace are pure and true. His plan is to redeem his creation. Somehow, we are part of that. We suffer pain and begin to see glimpses of the suffering of Christ. Our ability to see needs of people around us expands. The extent to which I believe God is good has grown with the extent of my pain and grief. And now, it grows with the magnitude of God's gift of a child while I am yet undeserving of such grace.

The rest of our life right now is not roses and blossoms. Things are quite topsy turvy, and stressful without the addition of a little baby. And yet, somehow-through God's grace, we are able to bear them. The acceptance part of grief has played a part I think. For so long, i fought and fought and fought. I'd think, "This can't be the life God has for me today. It just couldn't be, because I can't handle it." (the verse about God not tempting us beyond what we can bear will forever remain a mystery to me- what it actually entails and how it works out..)

And then after a long, long time, acceptance begins to make it's way in. In my case, it was a spiritual battle and a cerebral one. And over time, it seemed to surge and encompass more than just accepting that the four kids weren't to be a physical part of our life.

This acceptance certainly isn't magical. It certainly doesn't happen every single time we're faced with a situation we wish was going a different way. But in looking back on the past three years, we see the Lord's protection and love. Kinda like the blind man in Mark's Gospel that sees trees at first, and when Jesus touches him again, his sight is restored.

I am so excited about holding our son. So very excited!

Three years later

Three years ago, April 28th, marked the day we received our referral for the four children. It was the day we'd waited 3 years for. We were going to be parents.

The following days were filled with anticipation and pretty much frenzied preparation. Until we had the referral, we could tentatively make ready, but the massive clothing, toy and child accoutrement acquisition happened after the referral came. May was full of yard sales, thrift stores, sorting through things people gave us, and figuring out where in the world we were going to put all this new stuff. Cause it was a lot! And we were so excited. Nervous, but excited.

It's only natural than, that the following Mays, Junes and Julys have been difficult. So many reminders.

Last summer, we decided to try to add happy memories to June. We desperately needed it, with M-Day and F-day falling in those 3 months along with everything else.

Blessedly, we did. But the Lord, in His grace, gave us more. He gave us a child.

Our son is due right around the time we left Colombia. He could even be born on one of the days we were there. Days that have only been filled with grief and sadness, will now have added to them, joy. Redemption. Grace.

This has never escaped us. As I folded laundry yesterday, i thought back to three years ago when I was doing the same thing. Folding bigger laundry then, tiny laundry now. Every time I hold a little shirt, I am reminded of how much mercy God has bestowed upon us. I feel so humbled that He has given us the gift of a child, the gift of a span of time that has meant only sadness until now.

He has added joy to our sorrow. They will forever live alongside each other, as a mother never forgets her children. The experiences we've had will make me a different mother than I was three years ago.

May God's kingdom come and His will be done.

God's Kingdom

I grew up with the mindset of "when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be", to quote a song we used to sing. Little was spoken about our life here on earth, except for following God's rules. And the message I heard was that God's invitation to us was about us following the rules.

But that has all been turned upside down. What kind of life would we have if we couldn't experience the Lord's reign in the here and now? With Jesus' birth, life, death and resurrection, we can experience His Kingdom now. We live in the hope of Jesus- the Kingdom he ushered in while He was here on earth, and the hope that He will make all things new.

Over the past six years especially, this has been very important to me. My daily life is not a dull, waiting-it-out-for-heaven one. It's one guided by the knowledge that God's Kingdom can come in the here and now, and it's my calling as a citizen of His kingdom to welcome it into my life and the lives of those around me.

Just some thoughts

My husband often teases me that I use this blog as a "diary in the sky". I use it to process my thoughts and feelings, and say things that I might not actually say in person to someone. Strange, but it's therapeutic for me.

And as such, it may tend to get the brunt of my angst, struggle, and so forth.

So, to even it out a little:

I am beyond thrilled to be expecting our son. It's a wondrous gift. Every day I feel him moving around and can't believe I am experiencing it. My belly is getting bigger, and as his birth day nears, I'm so excited. I can hardly wait to hold him in my arms and kiss his sweet cheeks.

25 weeks

Well, here at 25 weeks, I'm feeling ok. Baby boy moves a lot, and it's simply wonderful to feel it. At first it kinda freaked me out, like I had a zombie in me, but now it's natural feeling. I'm very much looking forward to having him in my arms. The ten days I had with the ninos, while filled with intense struggle, were still sweet to me. I'm still amazed that I get to experience motherhood again.

Preparing for this baby feels so much the same, and yet so much different. I think the biggest difference is the fact that he'll attach so quickly. He already knows our voices. He'll accept comfort from us. We won't be in battle to build a family; fighting years of trauma. It'll just happen. Sometimes I feel guilty. But this is what the Lord has given us. And it is good.

Untitled

This week has been rough. I was getting in my car yesterday when I realized I needed to scrape my windshield. It's that time of the year in Ohio when you don't know if you'll need a T-shirt or an ice scraper. Anyway, yesterday I needed an ice scraper. But all the seats were down in the back of my truck, and the scraper was stuck under them. As much as I lugged at the seats, I couldn't get them up.

There are so many things in life I can't do anything about. And sitting, waiting for them to work themselves out gets me so frustrated, angry, or even livid. I drove to work with clenched teeth saying, "I won't let this dictate my emotional regulation. Nope. Nope" (yes, I did say emotional regulation to myself...)

Yesterday was also one of the ninos' birthdays. Those days are always rough.

I made it through though. Maybe not as gracefully or as regulated as I would have liked, but that's the case sometimes.

And now I eat my coconut M&Ms.

Thoughts on the pregnancy

I stopped expecting what pregnancy would be a like a long time ago. Because of that, it's been kinda nice to take things as they come. However, a little expectation of how sick I'd be might have been helpful. I've had pretty bad nausea. My sister kept telling me to ask my Doctor for zofran, but I thought, "Hey, most people throw up this often, right?" Apparently not. After about 4 weeks of that awfulness, zofran at least reduced the frequency. And I've had a cold 3 times and am on my second round of antibiotics. The past 15 weeks have wiped me out. Sometimes it can be frustrating to hear someone say, "It's all for a good cause," or something like that when they're the ones that asked how I'm doing! Ok, vent over I guess.

We find out in 5 weeks the gender. Neither of us as any idea if the baby is a boy or girl, and we don't have a preference. We are just so grateful that God is giving us a child.

I continue to process the grief I have regarding the ninos, and how it runs alongside being pregnant. I still think of them every day and pray for them. I still have most of their things here in the house, and still feel that I can't get rid of them. I've given some things away, but most of it is still as it was, ready for them to come home to. I'll have to do something with H's clothes since that's where the baby's room will be. But I think that is the hardest part for me to tackle emotionally. While there's room in my heart to love her and our baby, moving her things out still seems a little like betrayal. She was so excited about her room...

So that's what I've been pondering lately.