My thoughts have all been a jumble lately. 2 things have contributed to this: adoption and school. First off, though, I have to rejoice in what the Lord is giving us.
On to school. College, in no way, prepared me for what I have dealt with over the past 6 years of teaching. Sure, I had excellent professors who guided us towards excellent teaching practices that serve a wide spectrum of learners. For that I am very, very thankful. We even had volunteer placements at gov housing, headstart, and afterschool care to develop our empathy for children of various backgrounds; different from our own probable middle class ones.
But all of that couldn't prepare me for the enormous amount of hurt my students, and the other 400, come to school with every day. And the hardest part of all is knowing that I can only do so much; and the rest I must leave up to the Lord. So day in and day out I cry with kids, listen to their heartbreaking stories, and encourage them to somehow make a "good" choice even though their life experiences give them no motivation to do so.
And when I go home, I wonder if I have it in me to endure the stories that my own children will tell, and listen to their cries as they react to the deep hurt they have inside them.
But my hope is this: God gives more strength. Daily I ask Him for wisdom on "what should I say to this little boy?" "What do I tell this little one who knows 'everything WON'T be alright'" And through the past 6 years He has sustained me and given me the wisdom I needed at the time I needed it.
And my passionate response to 'do I have it in me' is with Christ in me-Yes! Christ lives in me and is at work in my life. It will be His working through me that will give me the wisdom, patience and understanding I will need with our children. Apart from Him I don't have it in me.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen